I've returned all sorts of things. The empty cans of soda, that infamous bag of grapes, a gnawed-to-the-bone pound of chicken wings, beef fat, a carboard box that once held a beef tips dinner, a chicken dinner and of course that hilarious Natural Light episode.
I've never returned grilled steak before. Especially not fourteen dollars worth of it. Not with one pitiful sawed on piece left sitting in the carton and a hugely fat man staring at me across the counter going "These steaks were tough. We want our money back."
I swear to Shiva, I wanted to go "They obviously weren't too tough for you to choke down the other five that were in the package," but it was too early and I just didn't feel like looking at the orangutan man a minute longer than I had to. And of course this clown didn't have a receipt.
ME: "I need your drivers license sir."
HIM: "You mean you can't just give me some cash? Them there steaks was bad. My wife cooked them up three days ago and they were tough." He keeps using the plural of steak, but there's only one small piece of meat left in the package. Maybe enough to make a steak biscuit for breakfast.
ME: "I understand that sir. Could you please not wave the package around? But our store policy is that for all returns without a receipt, we require a government-issued ID and we give you a store credit."
HIM: "Wal-Mart used to just give you cash for whatever you brought back in."
ME: "Not any more sir."
HIM: "Well, I've got to go home and get it."
ME: "That's fine sir. We'll keep them right here." And I set that nasty container right on the counter.
An hour later, he shows back up. Still looking like a gorilla wearing a lime green tank top.
Picture the hairiest man you know. Multiply that by ten. Put a lime green tank top on it. And he's bald. And 300 pounds. And wearing red flip flops. And scratching his stomach through a hole in the shirt.
Still wanting a refund on merchandise he's probably going to eventually be flushing down his septic system in a day or so.
When he comes back, I'm trying to process a refund for a woman who decided NOT to throw a combination Easter/birthday party for her kid and 15 other two-year-olds, so she's bringing back $75 worth of candy, baskets, party favors, Easter grass (that's where it was at) and other assorted fripperies. He tells the other girl at the counter that he wants a refund on the steak and I hear her go "You're kidding, right?"
Sadly, no. I wonder if he spent the whole refund on Easter candy? It wasn't marked down yet.