A bicycle built for two (years)

Old people suck. Let me just throw that one out there right now. It bears repeating. Old people suck. They suck their teeth. They suck mints. They suck straws too loudly in restaurants and they certainly - now, forever and beyond the end of time - as long as B-Rit and K-Fed be fighting over the howlers - suck as customers.

You know what old man? You made a conscious decision to buy a bicycle from the Wal-Mart. Now, in whatever Yankee state you're from, the Wal-Mart might have better merchandise. I seriously doubt this, as it is all made in China anyway. If you want a better bicycle, go somewhere else and buy one.

However, you are seriously deluded if you honestly and truly believe that you are going to roll that rusted, beat-up, clangy specimen into Customer Service, present us with a receipt from November 21, 2006 and demand an exchange "because the brakes went out."

Sir. The bicycle is 278 days old. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-EIGHT DAYS OLD. There are managers up in this store that have not been in the state that long. Heck. Some of them haven't been managers that long.

Never mind our "We don't return bikes" rule. We don't return much of anything after 90 days.

You have ridden this bike into the ground. Into. The. Ground.

The chain is rusted nearly through. The handlebars are rusted. The pedals are so worn there is no tread left. The paint is flaking. You have either left it outside or ridden it many miles. It looks like my Grandma's Chevy Nova after 15 years of carrying her back and forth to work at the pants factory.

The nice manager offered to fix your bicycle. Free of charge even. That was not good enough for you. You want a brand new bicycle. Because you are a classic case of old people entitlement suck. I hope you lose your teeth tomorrow morning.

The chain of events the denial of your exchange touches off - complete with the rationalizations from you sir - who proudly informs everyone around that "you were a veteran" - is just unbelievable.

Here is the complete catalog of your reasons why we should let you exchange this bicycle - WHICH WE ALREADY EXCHANGED FOR YOU ONCE IN NOVEMBER - I know this because you are waving around an exchange receipt.

1. You never rode it. Ahem. St. Peter, prepare the lightnings.
   
2. You just want to exchange it.
   
3. You never left it outside. Step back. Lightning strikes reported in area five. The weather today? Charred, with a slight hint of cripsy old fart in the air. Tomorrow should bring rain with a dusting of Metamucil drizzle in the afternoon.
   
4. You're 72 years old. The manager goes "I'm 52. What does that have to do with anything?" Indeed.
   
5. The chain is bad. Well, after 278 days, you need at least minimal maintenance. Don't you put oil in the Caddy?
   
6. You think we ought to stand behind our product.
   
7. You don't want this bike repaired. Because this bike was junk. But you said you never rode it?
   
8. You just want to exchange it. But you waited 39 weeks to exchange it?
   
9. The seat is uncomfortable. But I thought you never rode it?
   
10. Other Wal-Marts are always more accommodating to seniors. We got ride-along carts? What else you want? A euthanasia booth? I'll vote for that.
    
11. Other stores are always more respectful of their customers. Other stores need the customers. Wal-Mart don't care.
    
12. The Wal-Mart "back home" never gives you this much trouble. Fine. Go back to a flyover state. Leave us alone and go bother some other Customer Service counter!
    
13. You just want to exchange it.
    
14. You can't believe that we don't believe you when you say you never left it outside. Satan, we got one for you. Express delivery. Crispy on the outside. Black as sin on the inside.
    
15. You're going to take your business elsewhere. Please do. No business needs customers like you.

But yes, in the end, management rolled over and let him exchange it. Another $89.94 "rental" right straight out the door. I'm sure we'll see that one come back again some time this spring after another six to nine months of hard use.

You know what? Old people suck.