Customers are inherently stupid - especially Wal-Mart customers. Durr. The picture on the box must be what's inside. Durr. Consider the apocryphal tale of the Gerber baby food in Africa - since debunked by Snopes.com.
OK. So you buy an airbed. The picture on the box is blue. The airbed IN the box is brown. You don't like the airbed. You don't want the airbed. You want to return the airbed. That's fine. This is the Wal-Mart. We'd take your babies back if you has a receipt on them. Or not. I'm not much on the howler monkeys.
Where we run into problems is when you want to upgrade from a single to a queen - WITHOUT PAYING THE DIFFERENCE.
"Ma'am. The airbed you're returning is $39.96. The one you want to get is $49.96. You're going to owe me about ten dollars."
"No. It's not my problem." Lady, you gots monumental problems. This is only the tip of the iceberg. And in this case, continental ice shelf would be more appropriate than iceberg.
Shall we catalog? Yes. We shall. Ma'am, I appreciate the fact that you're wearing bicycle shorts. I didn't know they came in fuscia in that size. Wow. I'm suddenly hungry for raspberries. And strawberries. And cherries.
Tell me, have you ever exercised? No. Really. Because your thighs look like an industrial-size container of cottage cheese poured into a FunTime Aerobics Barbie outfit. It is not tight. It is too damn small. Your ratty old college T-shirt from the back of your closet needs to be thrown into the rag bag. PS: It don't come down far enough to cover up your size 3X cameltoe.
After I run a quick mental catalog of her many sins, fashion and otherwise, I snap back to reality in time to hear her say again "It's not my problem."
"I'm sorry?" I'm thinking I must have heard an echo, a bird, a cash register or a tweeting telephone - or possibly the sound of pounds dropping in sheer sexual frustration. Anything but this utter nonsense. And she sets her triple chins hard out against her chest and assumes the look. The look that says "I read self-help books at night. Step 9. Be firm. Step 10. Repeat your request. Step 11. Escalate up the chain of command."
"It's not my problem that what you sold me was not what was advertised. I don't think I should have to pay extra to replace it." See. Right there. You're thinking. That's a problem.
"Ma'am. We're not asking you to pay extra to replace it. You are getting an entirely different product. You are getting a larger airbed. I can't give you a queen airbed for the price of a single."
"Yes you are. I want a manager." No. You want Brad Pitt to drop Maddox off at the daycare, charter a plane and come over and do the thing with a hair dryer on your bed just like he did with Geena Davis in "Thelma & Louise." And BTW Brad, can you do the rest of the things you did with Thelma too ... maybe two or three times?
AND THEY LET HER DO IT. SHE GOT THE QUEEN AIRBED. JUST BECAUSE THE COLOR ON THE BOX WAS DIFFERENT.
I looked at the airbed in the box that she returned. There was no defect. What was advertised was exactly what was in the box. It was just not the color that was on the outside of the box. And this creature got a queen-size airbed for the price of a single.
Just for being a witch. I hope she gets a bad back from sleeping on the floor.
Let that be a lesson. You can act a fool up in the Wal-Mart. And you'll be rewarded.