Thursday, August 30, 2007

Trading up

Customers are inherently stupid - especially Wal-Mart customers. Durr. The picture on the box must be what's inside. Durr. Consider the apocryphal tale of the Gerber baby food in Africa - since debunked by Snopes.com.

OK. So you buy an airbed. The picture on the box is blue. The airbed IN the box is brown. You don't like the airbed. You don't want the airbed. You want to return the airbed. That's fine. This is the Wal-Mart. We'd take your babies back if you has a receipt on them. Or not. I'm not much on the howler monkeys.

Where we run into problems is when you want to upgrade from a single to a queen - WITHOUT PAYING THE DIFFERENCE.

"Ma'am. The airbed you're returning is $39.96. The one you want to get is $49.96. You're going to owe me about ten dollars."

"No. It's not my problem." Lady, you gots monumental problems. This is only the tip of the iceberg. And in this case, continental ice shelf would be more appropriate than iceberg.

Shall we catalog? Yes. We shall. Ma'am, I appreciate the fact that you're wearing bicycle shorts. I didn't know they came in fuscia in that size. Wow. I'm suddenly hungry for raspberries. And strawberries. And cherries.

Tell me, have you ever exercised? No. Really. Because your thighs look like an industrial-size container of cottage cheese poured into a FunTime Aerobics Barbie outfit. It is not tight. It is too damn small. Your ratty old college T-shirt from the back of your closet needs to be thrown into the rag bag. PS: It don't come down far enough to cover up your size 3X cameltoe.

After I run a quick mental catalog of her many sins, fashion and otherwise, I snap back to reality in time to hear her say again "It's not my problem."

"I'm sorry?" I'm thinking I must have heard an echo, a bird, a cash register or a tweeting telephone - or possibly the sound of pounds dropping in sheer sexual frustration. Anything but this utter nonsense. And she sets her triple chins hard out against her chest and assumes the look. The look that says "I read self-help books at night. Step 9. Be firm. Step 10. Repeat your request. Step 11. Escalate up the chain of command."

"It's not my problem that what you sold me was not what was advertised. I don't think I should have to pay extra to replace it." See. Right there. You're thinking. That's a problem.

"Ma'am. We're not asking you to pay extra to replace it. You are getting an entirely different product. You are getting a larger airbed. I can't give you a queen airbed for the price of a single."

"Yes you are. I want a manager." No. You want Brad Pitt to drop Maddox off at the daycare, charter a plane and come over and do the thing with a hair dryer on your bed just like he did with Geena Davis in "Thelma & Louise." And BTW Brad, can you do the rest of the things you did with Thelma too ... maybe two or three times?

AND THEY LET HER DO IT. SHE GOT THE QUEEN AIRBED. JUST BECAUSE THE COLOR ON THE BOX WAS DIFFERENT.

I looked at the airbed in the box that she returned. There was no defect. What was advertised was exactly what was in the box. It was just not the color that was on the outside of the box. And this creature got a queen-size airbed for the price of a single.

Just for being a witch. I hope she gets a bad back from sleeping on the floor.

Let that be a lesson. You can act a fool up in the Wal-Mart. And you'll be rewarded.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh God, the cameltoe thing made my flesh crawl. You know that when her relatives leave she'll be right back in to return that bed for a full refund too. All $49 of it.

kdl said...

BBC1, don'tcha recognize the Jedi mind-trick when it happens?

You must PROTECT yourself.
Here: I am mentally handing you a tinfoil beanie, and several tinfoil top hats for management.

Be well, Padawan.

I forgot my name badge said...

Yes, the store is full of fools and they are rewarded with kowtowing management and giftcards loaded with cash the minute they open their toothless mouths to complain.

Anonymous said...

no wonder they pay us employees so little - they take back anything lose money left & right to keep a customer that won't go to another store anyway

Anonymous said...

I really wish you'd lay off the personal attacks.

forgottoCLOCKIN!OMG! said...

hmm something for nothing

she stole she stole she stole
she broke a commandment

if she doesn't repent she will rot in hell

GOD HELP US ALL!

ShopGirl said...

Seriously, is management not concerned about shrinkage in your store? How can you give in to every single demand no matter how rediculous?!

Actually, I'd love to test the theory... perhaps return a real kid using a beanie baby receipt... see if they'll give me $6.99 for it! I'll have to go find one on the street since I don't have any of my own, but I NEED that $6.99!!! :)

If it were you at the counter you'd probably pay ME to take the kid away! And don't think I haven't thought about paying someone to get out of my own mom&pop store...

stoic said...

The customers may be act like spoiled, entitled children but it's evident the Walmart managers are "Spoiled Entitled Child"-enablers. I guess if I was a SE-child I would LOVE to shop at WM. They would treat me exactly the way I would want them to. Too bad you get stuck in the middle.

FARfetched said...

Makes me wonder: do the managers cave on purpose because they know it tees you off? "Dang, it was worth $10 to see the look on BBC's face when I told him to exchange that air mattress!"

inspectorguy said...

Hold on a minute...I will run down to KFC and get a handfull of sporks to stab that nasty bitch with.

team gingerbread said...

Dear Christ! When will people learn?I once refused to do an exchange on a pair of shoes because they wanted a way bigger size (that they didn't need, I might add - her feet were a size 7 and she wanted a 9.5).

The shoes they were trying to return were dirty, naturally, but I stuck to my guns and they left with the shoes they bought, which were already a size big.

Songbird said...

an industrial-size container of cottage cheese poured into a FunTime Aerobics Barbie outfit.

Mmm, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper right up the nose. Damn you, bbc!

Love your posts. They're always so funny...at least up to the part where management caves, and then it's infuriating. They really let her upgrade? *grumble*

jabes said...

How you keep yourself from going postal on management is beyond me!

Cyndi said...

Okay, I know you always talk about your managers suffering from jellyspine, but I can't believe they let her get away with that!

Anonymous said...

I really hope that you continue the personal attacks.

Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

I think that I will try this at Chinamart. Buy a box of kleenex and then return it and say that I thought that there was supposed to be a LCD tv inside the box. I wonder if they will then give me a LCD tv if I stand firm.

Anonymous said...

I think the personal attacks are childish. you may get frustrated with the people you have to deal with, but discussing their every PHYSICAL flaw has nothing to do with why you get frustrated dealing with these people.

and by the way, you may want to get another job. you are clearly not a people person and seeing as wal mart is quite the sucky place to be everyday, another job would probably suit you better.

iaimtooffend said...

Waah Waah Waah Anonymous!

I love the personal attacks, for the most part, they're hilarious and paint a vivid mental pic.

You're the same fucktarted type who screamed Imus should have been fired for saying something SHOCKing (amazing, since he's a SHOCK jock) instead of turning the gd radio station.

I bet you're the same Bible-thumpin' type who screams about the smut on TV instead of buying an 'angel' satelite (only Christian programming) or TURNING THE EVER-LOVING CHANNEL TO ONE OF THE 1,100 OTHER OPTIONS!

Go throw a pity party elsewhere, we're all out tiny violins and ticker tape here.