Friday, August 31, 2007

Five Finger Fridays: V.5.0

You know the drill. Wal-Mart customers gots the itchy fingers like LiLo gots the firecrotch and a drug problem. They be sampling the merch like Larry Craig in an airport bathroom.

-- a set of Sally Hansen fake nails (girls, I am going to say it one more time - stay away from the Sally Hansen! It is cheap and will ruin your cuticles!)
-- a kiddie teething toy
-- a pack of Dr. Scholls Wart-Away liquid
-- a pack of Bimbunuelos cookies (sampled in store)
-- a pack of Now & Later candies (sampled in store)
-- an entire package of balloons
-- a package of fuses
-- an iPod holder
-- pack of Vassarette bras (tags found in ladies room)
-- a box of Cheese Nips (90% eaten in store)
-- two "Wild Hogs" DVDs (Not only do you steal, but you have bad taste as well?)
-- an Ivy Queen Flashback CD (Who? What? Why? Even the Travolta travesty is better than this!)
-- a two-pack of tweeters for a car audio system
-- a package of Aleve
-- a package of Tylenol
-- a bottle of Excedrin (because, OMG, the lights, the staff, the other shoppers, the Loss Prevention, it always gives me such a headache when I'm trying to pilfer...)
-- a pack of Electrolux light bulbs (seriously, how did you hide them? No. Wait. I don't wanna know.)
-- a package of Claritin.
-- a $148 MotoRazr V3 pay-as-you-go cell phone (the crown jewel of today's collection)
-- a $14.97 package of Neutrogena wrinkle cream (no doubt to be returned for store credit later)
-- a $17.42 package of Olay Regenerist lip cream (see note above)
-- a $13.52 package of Maybelline makeup (see above) Maybe they paid for it, maybe they're going to hell!
-- the fake "Red by Giorgio" perfume (They deserve what they get. Fake perfume stank.)
-- this Jenni Rivera CD
-- Secret "clinical strength" deodorant (Strong enough for a woman. Made for a shoplifter!)
-- a pack of PaperMate pens (got to keep track of what you're stealing man! Big Momma want a CD, Big Poppa want a watch, Sister need some diaper fuh her baby...)
-- Three watches
-- a whole box of the Nicorette Commit stop-smoking patch. (Because ciggies are too hard to steal!)
-- a box of Gerber Graduates Lil' Crackers (mostly consumed in store)
-- and a box of Great Value prunes (seriously I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! Your digestive issues are your problem.)

6 comments:

Emy said...

Wouldn't the cell phone have some sort of identifying thingamajig so that if it gets used, the company is notified that a stolen phone is being used? Of course, the caller can just claim that a friend gave it to them or whatever, but that would still be sort of awesome.

hockeyfrog said...

If I'm not mistaken, the cell phone has to be activated at a register before it can be used. Or is that just the prepaid cards?

And I had a bad idea about lightbulb smuggling going along with the bras that were probably worn out, but it just made me laugh a bit too much. Brings a whole new meaning to "headlights".

kdl said...

Based on your data, our team of scientists have developed a profile of your shoplifter (yes -- it is just one woman).
She is a obese nail-biter with warts (watch hands for evidence -- also stained orange from Cheese Nips and yellow from heavy smoking addiction. Likely, it's her birthday, and she's a bit depressed over a recent breakup. She is concerned with her personal odor and appearance, and is determined to do something about it, evidenced by the perfume, etc. She is also making plans to exercise more, hence the iPod case and CD.
She is somewhat delusional in thinking the gift of "tweeters" will bring her boyfriend back, however, she has prepared for a long lonely weekend by copping some snax and DVDs. The new bras are also a sign of a hopeful reconciliation. When 'her boo' do come over, perhaps he will help her with the electrical problem in the trailer (fuses, bulbs -- not sure which is the culprit). The phone has been cut off as well (hmmmm?) but she has taken care of her communication needs (one wonders if she has a battery-operated DVD player).
The subject is in her late-20's, as evidenced by 'emergency kit' of facial reparatives. She considers that some weight may be allergy-related, so the Claritin may help with the puffiness.
The watches are more gifts for her lover, and so she may keep time in order to be fine. She has read that some movie stars eat baby food to stay slim, so when her stomach thundered, she answered with emergency crackers.
Finally, while the pens may be an exhibition of need to document, it is our scientific opinion that the "boo's" eyes are yes, in danger. He should protect himself in order to survive her "eff you it's my birthday" attitude.
Perhaps she's turning 30.

Noncenx said...

I can understand some of the stuff because it's so easy to get to but how do they get a cell phone or 3 watches. Aren't they in cases that have to be unlocked?

If this is a one days haul I don't know how Wal-Mart puts up with it. Just think about what you don't know about.

Clark said...

I thought the stop-smoking helps were in a locked cabinet?
They are at Wal-Mart's here in AR.

Missy said...

Warts and prunes. Whoa.

I might know this person or have at least ridden on the bus with her.