Random items on Labor Day Saturday

1. In no universe is is fashionable to wear one turquoise Croc and one purple Croc out in public. Mix-and-match is something you do with skirts and blouses - not shoes.

2. School started two (2) week ago. TWO WEEKS AGO. I do regret that we don't have any more school supply lists. No. I can't "just give you one." Ma'am, ma'am. I CANNOT GIVE YOU WHAT I DO NOT HAVE!

3. If the product says "NOT AVAILABLE FOR SITE TO STORE" on walmart.com - coming in to the store and asking me to check walmart.com is going to produce the same result. Pay the shipping or find a friend with a truck.

4. Sir. I understand you were very pleased that you got a great deal on one of those huge flat-panel TVs. However "going home to get a truck" usually means you are going to return with, I don't know - something other than a Lincoln Continental. "But I measured." Maybe so. But this box is still not fitting in that car. And it won't fit in the trunk either. Let's try again.

5. You need to send money. OK. Fill out the paperwork and give it to me. Now is not the time to launch into the story of why your wife's mother in Tennessee needs this money to bail her nephew out of jail. I'm tired. I've been here for nine hours. Your mad oral history skillz is not all that interesting. I'd check into jail for three hots and a cot just to get away from you and any of your relatives too. Please. Just shut up, fill out the form and give me the money.

6. For the love of Klondike Bars - please attach a decent pair of underwear to your rump. A thong is not underwear - especially when your skirt is a decent approximation of a lace doily and is likely a size 2 Girls when you need at least size 6 Ladies. It was a full moon over Miami tonight. Thank Kali you didn't drop your purse or the woman behind you probably would have seen the lights of Sao Paulo twinkling back at her.

7. I do regret that I can't cash your paycheck. However - your lack of banking ability is YOUR problem. Not mine. Demanding that I "TRY IT AGAIN ... AND GET IT RIGHT" is really not going to work. In a similar vein ... if you're 24 and don't know your social security number .....

Don't ask me to hold up the line while you call your mother, your father, your girlfriend and your sister and have them root around in your room, your car and your backpack for your social security card.

It was not fun spending 20 minutes trying to cash your check because you were not sure if the last number was a 5 or a 7 - but you knew it was an odd number. Turns out it was a 6.

8. Happy Labor Day Yawl!