Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A bicycle built for two (years)

Old people suck. Let me just throw that one out there right now. It bears repeating. Old people suck. They suck their teeth. They suck mints. They suck straws too loudly in restaurants and they certainly - now, forever and beyond the end of time - as long as B-Rit and K-Fed be fighting over the howlers - suck as customers.

You know what old man? You made a conscious decision to buy a bicycle from the Wal-Mart. Now, in whatever Yankee state you're from, the Wal-Mart might have better merchandise. I seriously doubt this, as it is all made in China anyway. If you want a better bicycle, go somewhere else and buy one.

However, you are seriously deluded if you honestly and truly believe that you are going to roll that rusted, beat-up, clangy specimen into Customer Service, present us with a receipt from November 21, 2006 and demand an exchange "because the brakes went out."

Sir. The bicycle is 278 days old. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-EIGHT DAYS OLD. There are managers up in this store that have not been in the state that long. Heck. Some of them haven't been managers that long.

Never mind our "We don't return bikes" rule. We don't return much of anything after 90 days.

You have ridden this bike into the ground. Into. The. Ground.

The chain is rusted nearly through. The handlebars are rusted. The pedals are so worn there is no tread left. The paint is flaking. You have either left it outside or ridden it many miles. It looks like my Grandma's Chevy Nova after 15 years of carrying her back and forth to work at the pants factory.

The nice manager offered to fix your bicycle. Free of charge even. That was not good enough for you. You want a brand new bicycle. Because you are a classic case of old people entitlement suck. I hope you lose your teeth tomorrow morning.

The chain of events the denial of your exchange touches off - complete with the rationalizations from you sir - who proudly informs everyone around that "you were a veteran" - is just unbelievable.

Here is the complete catalog of your reasons why we should let you exchange this bicycle - WHICH WE ALREADY EXCHANGED FOR YOU ONCE IN NOVEMBER - I know this because you are waving around an exchange receipt.

  1. You never rode it. Ahem. St. Peter, prepare the lightnings.
  2. You just want to exchange it.
  3. You never left it outside. Step back. Lightning strikes reported in area five. The weather today? Charred, with a slight hint of cripsy old fart in the air. Tomorrow should bring rain with a dusting of Metamucil drizzle in the afternoon.
  4. You're 72 years old. The manager goes "I'm 52. What does that have to do with anything?" Indeed.
  5. The chain is bad. Well, after 278 days, you need at least minimal maintenance. Don't you put oil in the Caddy?
  6. You think we ought to stand behind our product.
  7. You don't want this bike repaired. Because this bike was junk. But you said you never rode it?
  8. You just want to exchange it. But you waited 39 weeks to exchange it?
  9. The seat is uncomfortable. But I thought you never rode it?
  10. Other Wal-Marts are always more accommodating to seniors. We got ride-along carts? What else you want? A euthanasia booth? I'll vote for that.
  11. Other stores are always more respectful of their customers. Other stores need the customers. Wal-Mart don't care.
  12. The Wal-Mart "back home" never gives you this much trouble. Fine. Go back to a flyover state. Leave us alone and go bother some other Customer Service counter!
  13. You just want to exchange it.
  14. You can't believe that we don't believe you when you say you never left it outside. Satan, we got one for you. Express delivery. Crispy on the outside. Black as sin on the inside.
  15. You're going to take your business elsewhere. Please do. No business needs customers like you.
But yes, in the end, management rolled over and let him exchange it. Another $89.94 "rental" right straight out the door. I'm sure we'll see that one come back again some time this spring after another six to nine months of hard use.

You know what? Old people suck.


j-yo said...

Yeah, I love it when old people tell you their age as a justification for getting what they want. Doesn't wisdom come with age? Because if that's true, why are you shopping at Wal-Mart?

Emy said...

I bet that guy also goes to a restaurant, eats everything on his plate, then complains that it was the wrong temperature/tasted funny/didn't come fast enough/what-the-heck-ever and expects his meal to be free. AND he then doesn't tip the waiter.

stefanie said...

Someone please kill me before I'm forty...put me out of my misery.

Anonymous said...

I can handle bonehead customers. Heck, I expect them to be nuts. But when mgmt. forces you into a policy, then constantly undermines you on that very same policy, that makes for a very difficult work environment. I've had to fire employers like that before.

Matt said...

"What else you want? A euthanasia booth? I'll vote for that."

Hell... I'll design AND pay for it!!!

luckycanucky said...

I don't get why people shop like they do. Last night, for example, a lady and her daughter were looking at some underwear with an "As Advertised" sign stuck on the peg. "Are these on sale?" she asked me. I replied that they weren't, but it just happened that they were being featured in the flier. Walmart doesn't have sales, I said. "Oh. Well, honey, they aren't on sale so we won't buy them." They were $3.76. Had I said they were most certainly on sale, would she have purchased three thinking she was getting a deal?

kelmeister said...

Holy crap, management sucks more.

kdl said...


This old hellcatwill spend eternity riding his crapcycles in circles around the bonfires in hell -- the ones where people still say "nigras" and "them damn hippies."

What would happen if you just stopped fighting and gave people EXACTLY what they ask for? Would you be fired?

GotDAMN, I'd love to be next to you all day on your last day. I can only imagine the wonderful comments customers would hear. And they'd all be way-homers.

Library Rat said...

Hell, I'd apply to work at WalMart if it meant I got to work the euthanasia booth.

Library Rat said...


I still say "them damned hippies." Then again, I work at a university where I'm surrounded by them. Damned granola-crunchin', meat-eater harassin', violence hatin' hippies.

Anonymous said...

WalMart is going to manage themselves out of business. And Grandma worked at the sock factory

I forgot my name badge said...

I am SOOOO happy I found your blog. You are a f*n riot to read! It must be a scream to work next to you...

Anonymous said...

What the HELL is wrong with your management? I manage a small retail store and I know that I sure as anything would not let someone return something that was beat to hell for a brand new something. I'd be out of business in a week. Wal-mart complains that it can't keep prices low enough due to "shrink" and the like, well I think that someone needs to take a closer look at how much product legitimately walks out the door.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled onto your blog yesterday and couldn't stop reading for hours - it's awesome! I've known people like that, who expect special treatment because they're old, or from a different country etc., and therefore deserve better than what the rest of us get... Gah! (And I agree, for the management to keep breaking their own rules is ridiculous!)

Greg said...

"Euthanasia booth" made me snort my coffee. Great one!

thordora said...


and I cannot STAND the "I'm a veteran" line. I popped out two howler monkeys and I haven't killed them yet. Where's my medal?

BeadKnitter said...

I think your managers need the euthanasia booth more than the old folks do. As long as they keep letting people break the rules, the people will continue to want to break the rules.

Anonymous said...

hi bbc - i'm a veteran and a mother of three, and i have never expected, nor will i ever expect, *any* special privileges due to either my age or prior military status. the guy's probably not even a veteran, either. probably a 4F wannabe who now remembers things the way he wishes they would have been, except he was too much of a wuss to actually pick up that f***ing rifle and serve... like I did. And I'm a female-type personnel.

Happy Wednesday hugs, Sunny

AmyD said...

I don't get *why* the only time Wal-Mart gives a shit about making their customers happy is while they're trying to return something, as when the managers blatantly ignore the posted policies and do it anyway. Nobody else really knows what customer service is, judging by the lack of it exhibited elsewhere in the store. So, the only way to have a pleasant transaction there must be to buy something, use it, and then bring it back whenever you want in whatever condition you want. Bitch a little, and the manager gives you your money back? I wonder how much W-M loses each year with shit like this. Do the managers who give in ever get in trouble?

Oh, and I loved "pants factory". It's prolly true, but I picture a bunch of little old ladies sewing big blue Homer Simpson pants. Makes me giggle.

Anonymous said...

I used to work in a restaurant up here in "Yankee" country and we used to call old people FOPS as in f#%king old people. Hope that helps and I love the blog.

Anonymous said...

"What else you want? A euthanasia booth?"

Thanks, soda all in my keyboard now! :)

High-Maintenance & Hostile Heidi said...

What if everyone bought expensive things like bikes and grills, used the heck out of them and then returned them for new ones and then did it all over again when they wore out? Or what if everyone did the buy-use-once-then-return thing?

I'm not saying Wal-Mart isn't getting what it deserves but geez...there has to be a limit somewhere.

Anonymous said...

I swear, when I worked retail, as much as the customers sucked, management sucked even worse. they let people get away with ANYTHING.

c'mon, you let this guy get a free bike, he's going to do it again with other products, costing the store money in the long run. He's not worth having as a customer! The customer is NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!!! AUUUUUUUUUUGH!