Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The shoe is on the other foot

Look dude. I know you think I owe you $9.68 cents for that pair of shoes you "returned" 18 days ago. However, you're standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME telling me that you "got a new pair of sandals" that day.

Yeah, I know you're waving around a receipt from the first week of August.

You're also holding a receipt where you paid another $9.68 for a pair of sandals. YOU DO NOT GET MONEY BACK IF YOU MAKE AN EXCHANGE.

Let me repeat that for the stupid in the line. In fact, let me break it down for you.

1) You give me defective merchandise.
2) I mash some buttons and return the defective merchandise. You thereby obtain a credit balance of $9.68.
3) You purchase NEW and non-defective merchandise. This is what is know in retail circles as an E-X-C-H-A-N-G-E. Repeatan, por favor. Cambio. C-A-M-B-I-O. That's right. I can say it in two languages. Ain't nobody trying to cheat a chico out of his nueve dollares. How are you going to pay for sus zapatos nuevos? Using the "credit balance" you got from the $9.68. That's how.
4. How can I tell that you ALREADY got a refund on these shoes?
5. Because I can do a nifty little thing called a #91 Action Code on your receipt. YOU GOT A REFUND OF $9.68 FOUR MINUTES BEFORE YOU PURCHASED THE NEW SHOES.

Look man. You are not ignorant. You do not speak English as bad as you pretend to - because the first thing you said was, and I quote, "I think you owe me some money," and when you got upset, you started arguing with me real good. In the lingua franca of the Court of St. James's no less. So don't give me that dumb look and break out the "No speak Eengleesh."

I broke it down for you twice. The third time, the man behind you in line came around and started nodding his head. He even told you "You don't get a refund AND a new pair of shoes."

You're standing there shaking your head like you don't understand. Maybe you don't. Consider this an education.

Sir. Sir. Please look at me. Sir. You returned a defective pair of sandals. You received a new pair of the identical sandals. In no way, shape, form or concept on this planet or any other ball of rock in the cosmos are you entitled to any cash.

The gentleman behind you, a fellow customer in no way connected to the Wal-Mart, is valiantly trying to convince you of this - so he can carry out THE EXACT SAME TRANSACTION.

Moreover, the time to raise questions about this transaction was 18 days ago - when it happened - and when you walked out of Customer Service the proud owner of a pair of non-defective sandals. NOT TODAY. NOT 18 DAYS LATER. NOT WHEN YOU NEED A SAWBUCK TO BUY A DIME BAG.

Are we clear on this? OK. Thank you. Please leave now so that I may resume helping the customers who actually understand how the concepts of "return" and "exchange" work.


SalGal said...

Oh my freaking gosh, I am SOOOOOOOOOOO happy to have found you! I nearly wet myself from laughing so hard. I love you!!!

wry exchange said...

Please, please, please tell me he was wearing the sandals. That would complete the story perfectly.

bbcamerican said...

No. I don't know what he was wearing. I think he had on regular shoes. I was just so hacked off I was about ready to feed him one of his shoes - without soy sauce though!

BeadKnitter said...

Hee hee....a candidate for elimination from the gene pool if ever I saw one.

I just love reading your blog. It makes me feel like a freaking genius of the mensa order.

ForTe said...

Thank you for the laughs. I enjoy your blog =)

Clark said...

Could you get away with saying "No habla espanol" when they say they can't speak english?