Attention K-Mart shoppers

Look beyotch. This is not the K-Mart ... where you USED to work. This is the Wal-Mart. Where I work. Where we at RIGHT NOW. Where you are RETURNING STUFF. Where I reign supreme with the power of life and death over your measly $3.42 that you did not even notice when you paid for the frelling shorts eight days ago. If you want that $3.42 so bad - go back to K-Mart and lick Martha Stewart's prison-stained feet for half an hour. Because you know, K-Mart is at the top of the retail food chain ....

So this is how it rolled out. It's a Sunday night - which is predictable only in that it is singularly unpredictable. About 9:30 p.m. - which seems to be about the time the white trash emerges from their beer, Pringles and Cheeto stupor - this pair of 300-pound land whales clomps up to my register. The wife has to lean on the counter the whole time. The husband is so out of breath from the trip in from the parking lot he collapses on the chairs at the hiring computer.

Land Whale flings down a couple of shopping bags, exhales and goes "Iwannareturndese." OK. Whatever. Orange board shorts are a step up from your cutoffs and faded NASCAR-wear with a scissor-cut in the neckline to accommodate your tremendous triple-D "assets."

I ask for a receipt - and shockingly she says she's got one. I can see it in her hand - only she won't let me have it.

Sometimes it is the WOACA's who have issues (they like to "help" me by finding the merchandise for themselves - control issues) but usually the white trash are too lazy.

The land whale is having issues though because she can't find the shorts on the receipt. Finally I'm like "Ma'am. Let me. It's what I do." That's not good enough for her. "Naw. I just seen dem." Fine. Sit there and gnash all three teeth in your head together. Keep looking. I'm doing everything I can to keep from gazing into the valley of death between your gigantic knockers that you have flung out on my counter like two sacks of flour. Help me Jesus. At least they're tanned. Really lady. The fact that you don't have a tan line in that area seriously disturbs me. I mean ... the implications of that is major MONDO disturbing ....

She still can't find them. And there were only 20 items on that receipt. I reach in and get a hand on the receipt. "Ma'am. Please." She begrudgingly lets it go. Seriously. It was like I was taking candy away from her or something. Can you imagine if I WAS taking some Cheetos away or something?

I find the items and circle the UPC and put the date. She is watching me like a hawk. Old ladies could take lessons from her. After I find the second item she blows up. "WHAT!"

WHALE: "Why'd you mark that'un?"
ME: "That's one of the pairs of shorts you are returning."
WHALE: "No it ain't"
ME: "Um, these are the shorts. Look. This is the UPC number on the receipt. This is the barcode number on the shorts."
WHALE: "I worked at K-Mart. I know 'bout barcodes. That price sticker say $10.00. I paid $13.42."
WHALE continues: "Well, dat's why I couldn find it. I wuz lookin fer $10 and de price wuz wrong."
ME: "Well, it looks like there was just a mistake with a price change not going through. You will get back everything you paid."
WHALE: "Das not the prollem. I paid for two pair o' shorts and they was both $10. You gots to give me the money back on that udder pair."
ME: "Do you have the other pair of shorts with you?"
WHALE: "No."
WHALE: "Baby, how much wuz dat pair o' shorts I bought fer you? Wuzn't it $10?"
ME: Checks price of other pair of shorts. Still $13.42. "Well, I can't give you money back. I don't know how much that other pair was supposed to be."
WHALE: "Why not? I just tole you it was $1o."
ME: "You telling me the other pair was supposed to be $10. I'm showing they are still ringing up at $13.42."
WHALE: "That's not right. When I worked at K-Mart we believes our customers."
ME: "Ma'am. I'm not saying anything about you being dishonest. What I'm saying is that I can't give you money back on a pair of shorts you didn't even notice you paid too much for eight days after you paid for them!"
WHALE: "I don't like this. I worked at K-Mart and it wuzn't like dis."
ME: "Ma'am. I'll give you the money back if you go get me the same pair of shorts as are on this receipt and they have a SALE sticker on them."
WHALE: "Why ain't you believe me?"
ME: "Ma'am, when you worked for K-Mart, did you give people $4 of K-Mart's money every time they asked for it?" I just could not hold it in. She was just stupid. And if she mentioned that she worked for K-Mart one more time ....

She shuts up real quick. And yes, she did come back about a half-hour later with the same pair of shorts. With a $10 sticker - that did not look like it had been stuck on for something else. So I gave her the $3.42 plus the $3 for an item being scanned incorrectly. See, it pays to be nice to me sometimes.

Stupid cow. She probably waddled over to the McDonald's and spend the $7.42$6.42 on three Big Macs, two large fries and a large Diet Coke, because, you know, she's got to cut back somewhere!

CLARIFICATION: Because there seems to be confusion over this - and because my math skills are lacking when there is not a register to add & subtract for me.

Cow-cow was arguing about the $3.42 difference between the $13.42 price on receipt - which the pants rung up at - and the $10.00 SALE tag. She only wanted the $3.42 back. I also used the PRICE OVERRIDE REASON 1 code on the register to give her the additional $3 back for when an item rings up wrong. The REASON 1 sends a message to the department manager to go check the price of all the shorts with that UPC because there is obviously a problem if you have a $10 SALE sticker on the tag but they're still ringing up at $13.42.

Just to be clear. She only wanted $3.42 back. I gave her the other $3 back because that is what we are supposed to do.