Friday, September 14, 2007

Five Finger Fridays: V.7.0: Croc in a box

I know you got issues with your footwear, but I personally would like to know in what universe you find it acceptable to go to a store, try on some shoes, find ones you like, then leave with a new pair? YOU KNOW, WITHOUT SOME MONEY GOING BACK AND FORTH!

Store. Tienda. Magasin. Speicher. Opslag. Deposito. Loja.
(according to Babelfish, in English, Spanish, French, German, Dutch, Italian and Portuguese)

That's why they call it a "store." Say it with me slowly "suh-to-ar." WHERE YOU BUY THINGS.

One of the new assistant managers comes up with a box and goes "Look at this." He opens it up and there's the two grayish Crocs sitting there - along with the package for some gel insoles.

"Where did you find it," I asked him. "Over by ladieswear, tucked up under one of the racks."

By the way. Thanks SO MUCH for leaving us your dirty pair of white faux Crocs right there in the box. If CSI: Hallandale was on the case, we'd be able to give any blonde Calleigh Duquesne-wannabe all the toenail gunk they'd need to hunt you down. PS: You really, really should have grabbed some Odor Eaters to go with them shoes. Cause you got the funk. And not in the George Clinton with Parliament kind of way. Okay? Okay.

Size seven hiking boots, $44.78. Gel insoles, $4.79. Making it onto Behind the Counter, priceless.

Here's the rest of this week's five-finger offerings. Rev up your Mart-Carts, sharpen your Lee-Press-On Nails and get ready to grab. Cause you know, Wal-Mart shoppers gots the itchy fingers like B-Rit had a few drinks and some Vicodin before she do the VMAs. You know, cause, like, mouthing the words to a song is just so haaaaard.

We'll start with the heavy hitters.

-- a $97 Cingular GO phone. I mean. We need to start locking this stuff UP!
-- an EQUATE PREGNANCY TEST. Look. Sister-ghurl. I'ma give you some advice. SERIOUSLY. You need to AT LEAST get the ClearBlueEasy or something. That Wal-Mart brand is more than likely defective. They do get returned. You know it come from China right? And really, tests are fuh-ree down at Planned Parentood.
-- a box of Stetson aftershave
-- a box of TaxCut software (wait, is it tax season again already?)
-- a box of L'Oreal haircolor #64 - Copper
-- a blood pressure monitor
-- a "Wicker Man" DVD (there's no accounting for taste)
-- about six packs of Magic the Gathering cards
-- two bars of Hershey whole bean chocolate
-- a "Kicking it Old Skool" DVD (Someone please for the love of Buddha and Baal dissuade Jamie Kennedy of the notion that he can act, stat!)
-- a Monistat 7 combination pack (where on - or in! - the body this was smuggled out I wonder?)
-- not one but TWO boxes of Mama Mary's Microwave Pancakes Because stealing microwaveable food makes so much sense? Someone help me here.
-- a "Superstar" DVD Trust me folks. It doesn't get better with age. It always was - and always will be - one not-funny joke stretched out for 90 excruciatingly long minutes.
-- a pack of lug nuts
-- a "Van Wilder: Unrated" DVD Still not funny.
-- two packages of Dove Chocolates
-- two watches
-- orthodontic wax (I swear on the many arms of Kali that I can't make this shit up!)
-- Doublemint mints
-- Gerber Graduates fruit strips and a box of Gerber Graduates bitter biscuits
-- a night light
-- a pack of Hubba Bubba bubblegum
-- a pack of Trident bubblegum
-- a Myriam Hernandez "Enamorandome
" CD
-- a Luis Miguel "Mis Boleros Favoritos" CD

-- an Isabel Pantoja "La Historia .. Mis Exitos" CD
-- a Luis Fonsi "Exitos 98:06" CD
-- an Alejandro Fernandez "Viento a Favor" CD
-- a Frankie J "Priceless" CD obviously, this turned out to be prophetic. It didn't have a price because it was five-finger discounted fuh-ree!
-- a Babyface "Love Songs" CD
-- a Tank "Sex, Love & Pain" CD
-- a Sam's Choice seven-ounce chocolate bar
-- a Caramello bar
-- a bag of Stacy's cinnamon sugar pita chips
-- a thing of Yogos Strawberry Slam Yogurt-Covered Fruity Dots
-- a box of L'Oreal Preference hair color - Ash Blonde
-- a box of faux "Wind Song" cologne by Prince Matchabelli
-- a pack of Rayovac AAA batteries
-- a DVD of R.L. Stine's "Haunting Hour" kid's book


pining for the fjords said...

You know, if they would just lift the condoms, they wouldn't need the pregnancy tests, fruit roll ups and biter biscuits. :)

Anonymous said...

You posted the town where your Wal-Mart is in this post. You might want to remove that quickly, lest you lose your anonymity.

Anonymous said...

store in dutch = winkel
opslag = storage
babelfish gets confused sometimes....

Great post!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ditto for German.

store in German = der Laden or das Geschäft
der Speicher = storage or attic

eBay Rookie said...

So that's where your store is. Man, I hope none of your customers know how to read, because you may just get innundated.

Missy said...

Those Dove chocolates ARE really tasty, and on the list again. at least one thief has taste.

PeevedGuy said...

-- a box of TaxCut software These people file taxes? Who knew? I wonder if the Walmartian will be smart enough to realize that the purchase of tax software is tax deductible?

DolfanDad said...

If you look at one of his very first few posts he posts his store number. Now he could be making it up. But I found out where it was and that's exactly the type of clientele (sp?) he should be getting in that area.

Anonymous said...

In German it's Geschaft.

inspectorguy said...

"...And really, tests are fuh-ree down at Planned Parentood."

Why go all the way to Planned Parenthood when they are apparently free at Walmart as well.

j-yo said...

If you're going to steal a home-pregnancy test, why steal the Wal-Mart brand when you can steal the better brand? They're all the same price (free)!

FARfetched said...

You can go looking there, but you won't find BBC at a Wal-Mart there or any in that area (unless he's visiting). Some older info told what city he's in. I think he was giving us the ghetto version of CSI:Miami.

Dagny said...

Stetson aftershave? At least you'll be able to smell them coming. Cause, you know, that will be the stench that burns your nose hairs out.

krylonultraflat said...

Hallandale would make sense though.

I really bet the wal has a whole division of ... somethings dedicated to sniffing out bbc. Lawyers? Trained ninjas? Trained ninja lawyers?

Kristi said...

Wouldn't the toys have been stolen by children?

Wry Exchange said...

Your shoplifters have bad taste this week. Except for the Dove bars, I wouldn't take that crap for free. I'd hate to know how much merchandise walks out that you don't know about. It has to be a sickening amount.

Lily said...

So, how do you know this stuff is stolen? Did they chew the entire package of bubble gum and leave the wrappers?

Just wonderin... you know... for my career thievin the Mart.

Anonymous said...,+FL&fb=1&view=text&latlng=25986353,-80121296,15237289085499984516

Says store hours on Sat and Sun- CLOSED

huh..pretty close to the beach tho.

Anonymous said...

Someone please for the love of Buddha and Baal dissuade Jamie Kennedy of the notion that he can act, stat!

Disabuse, not dissuade. I let most things go, but that one irks.

Anonymous said...

The use of dissuade is appropriate!

Nitpicky shit irks!!

Kendally said...

I think robots can be blamed for at least one of the items on this list.

Anonymous said...

Hey Anon --

Try check a more reliable source for store hours, like Walmart itself,

Since the pharmacy and the SitetoStore are open Saturday and Sunday, I'd bet you that the store is open too.

No one at all said...

Did you return the phone or give in-store credit or exchange it?