I know you got issues with your footwear, but I personally would like to know in what universe you find it acceptable to go to a store, try on some shoes, find ones you like, then leave with a new pair? YOU KNOW, WITHOUT SOME MONEY GOING BACK AND FORTH!
Store. Tienda. Magasin. Speicher. Opslag. Deposito. Loja.
(according to Babelfish, in English, Spanish, French, German, Dutch, Italian and Portuguese)
THAT'S RIGHT, SOMEBODY NEED TO PAY FOR SOMETHING. That's why they call it a "store." Say it with me slowly "suh-to-ar." WHERE YOU BUY THINGS.
One of the new assistant managers comes up with a box and goes "Look at this." He opens it up and there's the two grayish Crocs sitting there - along with the package for some gel insoles.
"Where did you find it," I asked him. "Over by ladieswear, tucked up under one of the racks."
By the way. Thanks SO MUCH for leaving us your dirty pair of white faux Crocs right there in the box. If CSI: Hallandale was on the case, we'd be able to give any blonde Calleigh Duquesne-wannabe all the toenail gunk they'd need to hunt you down. PS: You really, really should have grabbed some Odor Eaters to go with them shoes. Cause you got the funk. And not in the George Clinton with Parliament kind of way. Okay? Okay.
Size seven hiking boots, $44.78. Gel insoles, $4.79. Making it onto Behind the Counter, priceless.
Here's the rest of this week's five-finger offerings. Rev up your Mart-Carts, sharpen your Lee-Press-On Nails and get ready to grab. Cause you know, Wal-Mart shoppers gots the itchy fingers like B-Rit had a few drinks and some Vicodin before she do the VMAs. You know, cause, like, mouthing the words to a song is just so haaaaard.
We'll start with the heavy hitters.
-- a $97 Cingular GO phone. I mean. We need to start locking this stuff UP!
-- an EQUATE PREGNANCY TEST. Look. Sister-ghurl. I'ma give you some advice. SERIOUSLY. You need to AT LEAST get the ClearBlueEasy or something. That Wal-Mart brand is more than likely defective. They do get returned. You know it come from China right? And really, tests are fuh-ree down at Planned Parentood.
-- a box of Stetson aftershave
-- a box of TaxCut software (wait, is it tax season again already?)
-- a box of L'Oreal haircolor #64 - Copper
-- a blood pressure monitor
-- a "Wicker Man" DVD (there's no accounting for taste)
-- about six packs of Magic the Gathering cards
-- two bars of Hershey whole bean chocolate
-- a "Kicking it Old Skool" DVD (Someone please for the love of Buddha and Baal dissuade Jamie Kennedy of the notion that he can act, stat!)
-- a Monistat 7 combination pack (where on - or in! - the body this was smuggled out I wonder?)
-- not one but TWO boxes of Mama Mary's Microwave Pancakes Because stealing microwaveable food makes so much sense? Someone help me here.
-- a "Superstar" DVD Trust me folks. It doesn't get better with age. It always was - and always will be - one not-funny joke stretched out for 90 excruciatingly long minutes.
-- a pack of lug nuts
-- a "Van Wilder: Unrated" DVD Still not funny.
-- two packages of Dove Chocolates
-- two watches
-- orthodontic wax (I swear on the many arms of Kali that I can't make this shit up!)
-- Doublemint mints
-- Gerber Graduates fruit strips and a box of Gerber Graduates bitter biscuits
-- a night light
-- a pack of Hubba Bubba bubblegum
-- a pack of Trident bubblegum
-- a Myriam Hernandez "Enamorandome" CD
-- a Luis Miguel "Mis Boleros Favoritos" CD
-- an Isabel Pantoja "La Historia .. Mis Exitos" CD
-- a Luis Fonsi "Exitos 98:06" CD
-- an Alejandro Fernandez "Viento a Favor" CD
-- a Frankie J "Priceless" CD obviously, this turned out to be prophetic. It didn't have a price because it was five-finger discounted fuh-ree!
-- a Babyface "Love Songs" CD
-- a Tank "Sex, Love & Pain" CD
-- a Sam's Choice seven-ounce chocolate bar
-- a Caramello bar
-- a bag of Stacy's cinnamon sugar pita chips
-- a thing of Yogos Strawberry Slam Yogurt-Covered Fruity Dots
-- a box of L'Oreal Preference hair color - Ash Blonde
-- a box of faux "Wind Song" cologne by Prince Matchabelli
-- a pack of Rayovac AAA batteries
-- a DVD of R.L. Stine's "Haunting Hour" kid's book