Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The caper caper

Raise your hand if you know exactly what capers are? Well, according to one extremely rude woman who came up in the Wal-Mart looking for a) capers and b) good service, I do now know what capers are. I did get some help from Wikipedia.

So, I'm stuck at the Service Desk by myself while the other three girls all got yanked off and put on registers because the Saturday afternoon herds of free range white trash rolled in from the far pasture for a good feed on the free samples and pick up a fresh supply of beer, Cheez Whiz and Pringles.

I'm trying to cash a paycheck for this guy while he's yakking away on his cell phone (PS: Your girlfriend is ugly and you're not cute enough for me to care about you!) I'm telling him "Enter your social." "Are you sure you did it right?" "Have you ever cashed a check at a Wal-Mart before?" when this woman just pushes the cart right up between the guy and the girlfriend and my register.

Literally. It was like one of those really evil freeway drivers who just nudges and nudges and keeps nudging in until you HAVE to let them in, because THEY ARE NOT STOPPING and OH MY GOD THEY WILL MAKE YOU HIT THEM! That's what this woman was like.

Totally ignoring the fact that I was a) right in the middle of a transaction with another customer, b) in fact in the middle of a SENTENCE, c) not even looking at her and d) her yellow suburban housewife pants and shirt set reminded me of a lemon meringue pie, she just waved her hand at the two people cashing the check and blurted out "Excuse me, but I have a question."

I go "One moment ma'am." She fires back "Well, no one here wants to help me."

I look at her. I look at the people cashing the check and they just sort of nod "OK, deal with the crazy woman," and so I ask her "What can I do for you?"

HER: "Do you know what capers are?"
ME: "Ummm, no? Aren't they fish?" Really, I don't know. I can cook, but I'm not a gourmet.
HER: "Well, I can't describe it, but I know Publix has them. You cook with them."
ME: "Um, well, where are they at Publix? Are they vegetables? Garnishes? Fish? What?"
HER: "No. They are garnish."
ME: "Umm. Look next to cocktail onions and spices Go ask a customer service manager. They have radios. They can get a grocery manager on the line."
HER: "Why is this so hard to find here? I know right where they are at Publix."

I swear to god. If she said Publix one more time I was going to ask "Why the hell aren't you at Publix?" If you want good service, go to Publix. You're gonna pay for it though. If you want low prices, come to the Wal-Mart. But it is self-serve. I still don't understand the cognitive disconnect. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

But we're not over yet. The supervisors get on the radio to a grocery manager, who finds the capers for her.

She goes over to grocery and finds some, then proceeds to come back up in an attempt to "educate" me.

HER: "These are capers. You garnish seafood with them."
ME: "That's good to know. I learned something today."
HER: "They're on Aisle Four. Now you'll know. And I won't have to walk around next time."

Lady, you don't know a fraction of what I DO know. Like the fact that right now I wish you were six feet under.

So I hope you don't have to walk around Wal-Mart next time. In fact, I hope you don't come back. I hope you're busy choking on a caper.


Mike said...

I'd really like to see someone choking on a caper. It would be a great visual.

x____AComfortableLiar said...

I love this. I've had people who want to "exchange" stuff and then come back and cut thru the entire line. I tell them you have to wait in the back of the ling like everyone else. Just because you were here 30 mins ago before you went to look for your crap does not mean you can jump back to the front of the line. Stupidity should be a crime.

Aaron said...


Library Rat said...

Stupidity should be a crime punishable by a gruesome public execution.


Erin Bradley said...

I always thought capers were related to olives somehow. They're delicious, whatever the hell they are.

Anonymous said...

i have this conception of capers as being kind of fancy, probably because i've only ever had them at nice restaurants. as a result, wal-mart is the last place i would ever look for them. good to know they're there, though. aisle 4, here i come!

inspectorguy said...

I believe it may be necessary to STAB THAT BITCH IN THE FUCKING EYE!!!!

afurrica said...

You know, I've had experiences where I haven't been able to find an item for a customer and they came back to tell me where it was...but were sweet about it, not total dickcheeses.

Once somebody starts barging and interrupting, that shit's just not going to go well.

grundes said...

lad - ladder
chat - chatter
cent - center
Shiva - shiver
cap - caper!

j-yo said...

Capers are delicious but they're so much more than garnishes. I bet that cheap bitch read about them in a food magazine and now considers herself an expert on garnishes.

David said...

You should have been your best customer service drone and given her directions to what she needed.

Tell her where Publix is.


Debo Blue said...

You are hilarious. If I had your job I'd be wanted in three States for aggr assault'