The caper caper

Raise your hand if you know exactly what capers are? Well, according to one extremely rude woman who came up in the Wal-Mart looking for a) capers and b) good service, I do now know what capers are. I did get some help from Wikipedia.

So, I'm stuck at the Service Desk by myself while the other three girls all got yanked off and put on registers because the Saturday afternoon herds of free range white trash rolled in from the far pasture for a good feed on the free samples and pick up a fresh supply of beer, Cheez Whiz and Pringles.

I'm trying to cash a paycheck for this guy while he's yakking away on his cell phone (PS: Your girlfriend is ugly and you're not cute enough for me to care about you!) I'm telling him "Enter your social." "Are you sure you did it right?" "Have you ever cashed a check at a Wal-Mart before?" when this woman just pushes the cart right up between the guy and the girlfriend and my register.

Literally. It was like one of those really evil freeway drivers who just nudges and nudges and keeps nudging in until you HAVE to let them in, because THEY ARE NOT STOPPING and OH MY GOD THEY WILL MAKE YOU HIT THEM! That's what this woman was like.

Totally ignoring the fact that I was a) right in the middle of a transaction with another customer, b) in fact in the middle of a SENTENCE, c) not even looking at her and d) her yellow suburban housewife pants and shirt set reminded me of a lemon meringue pie, she just waved her hand at the two people cashing the check and blurted out "Excuse me, but I have a question."

I go "One moment ma'am." She fires back "Well, no one here wants to help me."

I look at her. I look at the people cashing the check and they just sort of nod "OK, deal with the crazy woman," and so I ask her "What can I do for you?"

HER: "Do you know what capers are?"
ME: "Ummm, no? Aren't they fish?" Really, I don't know. I can cook, but I'm not a gourmet.
HER: "Well, I can't describe it, but I know Publix has them. You cook with them."
ME: "Um, well, where are they at Publix? Are they vegetables? Garnishes? Fish? What?"
HER: "No. They are garnish."
ME: "Umm. Look next to cocktail onions and spices Go ask a customer service manager. They have radios. They can get a grocery manager on the line."
HER: "Why is this so hard to find here? I know right where they are at Publix."

I swear to god. If she said Publix one more time I was going to ask "Why the hell aren't you at Publix?" If you want good service, go to Publix. You're gonna pay for it though. If you want low prices, come to the Wal-Mart. But it is self-serve. I still don't understand the cognitive disconnect. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

But we're not over yet. The supervisors get on the radio to a grocery manager, who finds the capers for her.

She goes over to grocery and finds some, then proceeds to come back up in an attempt to "educate" me.

HER: "These are capers. You garnish seafood with them."
ME: "That's good to know. I learned something today."
HER: "They're on Aisle Four. Now you'll know. And I won't have to walk around next time."

Lady, you don't know a fraction of what I DO know. Like the fact that right now I wish you were six feet under.

So I hope you don't have to walk around Wal-Mart next time. In fact, I hope you don't come back. I hope you're busy choking on a caper.