Yes, summer's here and bored teenagers everywhere are looking for summer jobs. The WASPy ones landed on the job ladder the local Aeropostale or Abercrombie store. The lesser WASPs landed at the GAP or some other mall store folding clothes. The rung under that landed at Auntie Anne's making pretzels.
The rung under that is sacking groceries and pushing in the carts at Publix. The last rung on the ladder is mowing yards in the hellish muggy heat of a Florida summer and being eaten alive by freshwater AND saltwater mosquitoes.
The ones who didn't bother to get onto the summer job ladder send their MOTHERS out to the Wal-Mart to start asking questions about jobs.
So this woman comes up around 10:3o p.m. on a Sunday night. "How old do you have to be to work here?"
"Um, 18." Wal-Mart used to hire 16-year-olds, but there are special laws about how long they can work, so they rarely bother with it anymore.
"OK. Can I have an application then?"
"No ma'am. It is all done on the computer." And I point to the hiring computer.
"Oh. I just want one for my son. He needs a summer job."
Really. Let's enumerate the reasons this is going to fail:
1) If your son is just not getting into the job hunt, he's obviously not very motivated. Really, school let out two weeks ago. It starts again in eight weeks. You might as well just order in a supply of Cheetos and get a TV Guide subscription.
2) Why are you picking up applications, and not mummy's little prince? Cut off the access to the car, or at least to gas until he gets a job. You'll be amazed how fast that will happen!
3) You're wearing aWal-Mart knock-off A&W root beer T-shirt, cut-0ffs and blue flip flops. What is your CHILD going to wear to his job interview? Swim trunks?
4. Plus, I don't care how skinny you are - don't clip you cell phone to the waistband of your pants thisclose to your business. It just looks ignorant. Buy a holder. Or put it in your purse.
Also, to the ginormous fat man who sat in front of the hiring center machine for two hours and kept cursing under his breath at the personality questions - please use some deodorant. You might not think you smell, but believe me, you CERTAINLY DO!
Thirdly, to the rude man who forgot his password to retrieve his application from the hiring center machine - IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU ARE AS DUMB AS A SACK OF HAMMERS. Really? How hard is it to remember a PIN number?
I can't pull your password out of my magic bag of tricks. Would you really want me to? Believe me, if I could, I'd give you work experience in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran. Possibly Syria and the Sudan for good measure. With the appropriate references. And I'm not talking about the Peace Corps here. When I tell you that "I'm sorry sir, I can't help you retrieve your password," don't make "Hmpft" sounds at me and then go "Well, I guess I just won't finish my application then."
Really, I don't care. If it were up to me, I'd make the application as hard as possible. I don't care about work experience. Can you think for yourself? Obviously you're a moron who can't remember a PIN.
Wait. Actually, he's probably perfect for Wal-Mart!