I've said it before and I'll say it again. NO MATTER WHAT YOU BUY AT WAL-MART, LOOK AT IT BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR CART. THEN LOOK AT IT AGAIN. IF IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE USED IT BEFORE YOU, PUT IT BACK AND GET ANOTHER ONE.
For things in clear plastic containers, you might think this would be an easy one. For a freaking CHICKEN, you might think this would be even easier. Apparently not.
I still don't know what to make of this one, except to shake my head and try my hardest not to believe that this guy was not just going through a lot of effort to get a free leg and a thigh and an upgrade on a roasted chicken.
Around 8 p.m. on Saturday is when the crazy people come out. I don't know what it is - except to think maybe that's when the sun goes down and the nightcrawlers emerge. I looked up at one point and there must have been 11 people in line - all shifting from side to side and all giving me nasty looks.
So when this man with enough nose hair to keep the Fuller Brush company in business through 2050 slams a greasy package of chicken on the counter and goes "Can you tell me what this is?" I very nearly lost my cool.
I know you're pissed off. I know you're waiting in line. I know you hate Wal-Mart. You know what? YOU'RE STILL SPENDING MONEY HERE. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE UNTIL YOU DO!
I didn't lose it. I wanted to, but I didn't. I looked at him. I looked at the chicken. And I looked back at him. "Can I help you sir?"
"This was eaten."
"Yes sir." I don't read minds. This is not a Kreskin act. This is the Wal-Mart.
"When I picked it up, it was gnawed on. And I paid for it." Well what does that make you then? You just DON'T NOTICE that you pick up a chicken MISSING a leg and a thigh?
"And you didn't notice it?"
"No. And they don't have any more. And that's the only kind of chicken I like. I'm going to have to get something else."
"OK. Give me your receipt."
I'm not going to argue with the man. He's got a receipt and he wants another chicken. He's even got the other chicken with him.
I only get that "something shady" feeling when scan the other chicken. The one he claims was "gnawed on" was $4.48. The one he wants now is $5.98. So he is getting a $1.50 upgrade. And I know that if mention that if he has to pay he's going to go ballistic. So I just price the new chicken at $4.48.
I hit some buttons and paper spits out of the printer. I get him to sign the refund slip and he goes "Where's my money?"
"No sir. You returned one chicken and got another chicken for the same price. Let me get you a bag."
I really think he expected a refund AND a free chicken. No. no, no, no, no, no. With apologies to Herbert Hoover, there will not be "a chicken in every buggy" any time in the near future.