Monday, May 28, 2007

What kinda beer yo' momma want?

Some day, I'm going to win. Some days, the white trash is going to win. Some days, I just shouldn't get out of bed at all. Some days, I really should have a Web cam.

I had a dead ringer for Jessica Simpson stroll up to my counter Sunday night. This girl ... blonde - although I'm pretty sure it came from a bottle - legs that went on for days and that ended in actual, real, live cowgirl boots. The blue-jean shorts were a little too short (and tight) for good taste - but hey, it's only the Wal-Mart.

The real killer was the too-tight (and way, way too worn out) Budweiser T-shirt tied into a knot under her generous ... ummm ... "assets." I just know this girl was like Miss Swamp Cabbage or Miss Hometown Chevrolet at some point or something. She just had that country beauty queen look.

And the country boyfriend. Dirty white work pants splattered with paint. God, I hope it was brown paint. I really don't want to know what else it might have been. He had on a Bud Light T-shirt. I guess no one drinks Old Milwaukee anymore. And about six teeth in his head.

She's got a bag full of cleaning supplies and some story about how her momma got evicted from her trailer and how her new trailer doesn't have a tile floor or a glass top stove and now she doesn't need all this stuff. Shockingly, she actually does have a receipt.

I start trying to find all the stuff on the receipt. The boyfriend is whining about how long it is taking. He's pulling on her and is like "Baby, we got to get movin'. We got to get us some beer and get over to yo momma's for the barbecue. What kinda beer yo' momma want?" Maybe he just needed a fix. He was kind of edgy.

I'm looking for the stuff on the receipt, and I hear her tell him, "Baby, why don't you go get me some smokes?" He leaves for Register 15, and she yanks another small bag out of her purse. "Can you return this real quick? I didn't want anyone else to see."

Yes. Condoms.

"Is there anything wrong with them ma'am?"

"Naw. We don't need them no more. We decided we's gonna have us a baby."

The gene pool really needs a better filter.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Me thinks the boyfriend doesn't yet know that they is fixin' to have themselves a baby.

DrTweeker said...

LOL - I read your site via google reader, so i rarely stop by for comments, but just wanted to say i love every post... some days I long for a post from you to cheer up my day :) *chants*more,more,more*chants*

jason/DrTweeker

FARfetched said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FARfetched said...

Whoops, that didn't quite come out right. Edited version follows.

That last sentence Says It All: "The gene pool really needs a better filter."

Seriously. I think everyone should pass a licensing exam before being allowed to breed. I think anon got it right though… he doesn't know "they" decided to have a baby.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I've heard of tricking a guy by clandestinely ceasing use of birth control, but usually it's the *her* (undetectable) birth control device, not condoms.

Yet, her misdirection certainly would suggest that.

Won't he notice he's not wearing a condom? Or does she just plan to work him up into a frenzy then do the ol' "we're all out, but just this once it'll be ok" thing? Can a girl even use that line without sirens and flashing red strobe lights going off?

His actuator must require a massive amount of hydraulic fluid to push his brain to that level if hypoxia. It's a wonder he doesn't pass out.

Library Rat said...

I think this has gone beyond the limits of what a filter can do.

The gene pool now needs to be drained, scrubbed down with the harshest of chemical cleaners, rinsed twice, then refilled and fitted with a new filter...

Anonymous said...

Even six-tooth Stanley would notice that he's not wearing a condom. I think the baby she's trying to have won't be his.

Anonymous said...

i love you library rat.

however, i say we add a flamethrower & some napalm. just in case. 'cause you wanna be sure.

hugs to you hardworking mr. behind the counter!!!!! xxx ooo sunny

Library Rat said...

Thanks, Anon.

Yeah, I could see naplam being counted as a harsh chmical cleanser. It would certainly sterilize things.

j-yo said...

What's strange is that she's not embarassed to be seen dressed like that in public and be seen with him but she's embarassed to return a lil' ol' box o' rubbers.

Grumpy Housewife said...

Holy. Crap.

Somehow, I don't think it's gonna be his baby.

And I think we need to get certain people out of the shallow end of the gene pool.

I think I'm just going to go drink bourbon until I can shake the image of Six Tooth and Miss Swamp Cabbage '06 reproducing. Ewwwww.

*races off to grab the bottle of Maker's Mark*

Anonymous said...

I think the gene pool needs a few gallons of chlorine (and maybe a few pounds of shock for good measure)

Flit said...

Wow, I can't believe that people can return things just because they have changed their minds, even though the product it fine.

Do returned items like condoms get thrown in the trash or do they get reshelved?

Meg said...

I'm sure she will be sad to know that they don't make Pampers in a thong....

FARfetched said...

Anon #2, the "it'll be all right this time" line works pretty well. Don't ask me how I know. :-P Let's just say Robin Williams nailed it: "guys have a brain, a penis, and enough blood to run one or the other."

Birth control failures led to both of my kids (that's what I tell them now that they're teenagers anyway, to remind them that BC isn't 100% effective), but sometimes I wonder.

Debo Blue said...

I love reading your comments almost as much as I love your posts!

Rob the Webkahunah said...

I forsee a spot on Jerry Springer in this woman's future :)

Anonymous said...

Go rent Idiocracy.

thejunkyswife said...

That was beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye...if these folks can have kids, what the hell am I waiting for?

Ol' Lady said...

sounds like the family tree goes straight up

Anonymous said...

hyuk hyuk they's gonna have some fine chyldrun


I have nothing against Americans, but when we North of the border see things like this, it makes us think Americans are stupid. I know not all of them are but it's people like that that make it more of a valid stereotype.

Simmo said...

God I wish my brief time at Big W (the Aussie version of Walmart) was as funny as yours. I will definitely keep reading of your wonderful experiences.

Anonymous said...

You are a fantastic writer!