Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Can I lie to you baby? Can I lie to you?

One of these days I really need to post either a scan of a receipt, or create a mock-up of one and break down what all the numbers mean. There is an amazing amount of information on there - especially if you are trained - as I am - to know where to look. So telling me that you "lost your card at the beach" when you CLEARLY used it to pay for merchandise about 18 minutes ago just isn't going to cut it.

1. Who returns the Wal-Mart Equate version of Nicorette?
2. When you return the faux Nicorette, do you really need to embellish and tell me "I'm not ready to quit yet?" I really don't care.
3. You paid with a credit card. I am required, as per our agreement with Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, to put the refund back on the card. I looked this up in the Wal-Mart employee manual FG 501 - REFUND GUIDELINES; page 5 of 12:
"If the customer has a receipt and the item was purchased by credit card, any refund is required to be issued by credit to the credit card that was originally used to purchase the item." Q.E.D.
4. No. You can't get cash.
5. No. You really can't get cash.

6. No. Not even if your credit card "was stolen" at the beach.
7. Umm. You bought all this mess (about $400 worth) about 20 minutes ago. Did your card get stolen in that time?
8. I really don't care that you're going through a bad divorce. Changing the story just don't work woman. I got a lie detector like you won't believe!
9. No. You can't get cash.

10. Yeah. I know. Don't look me in the eyes. Keep shifting from foot to foot. Look at the counter. Look at the wall. Look at the register. Look at the wall again. Look everywhere but straight at me. Uh-huh. I know you're a heroin-chic, skinny, leatherette tan, no-bra wearing, lying cow. You know you're busted.
11. Keep plugging away though. Maybe if you whine and beg long enough, someone will take a little bit of pity on you.
12. Yeah. Your ex-husband is the one with the card. Changing the story again? You obviously never had kids. Children are such good liars. So the card is maxed out now and you can't use it anymore? Well how did you buy all this stuff? You should be glad I put $41 and change of a credit BACK ON THE CARD.

13. Yeah, we really don't care that you're going through a bad divorce. I pity the man or woman that ever married you. Seriously, I'd like to donate to THEIR therapy fund.
14. Umm. This is like the fourth or fifth time I've told you, but you really can't get cash back. I'm not limestone. You can't wear me down. I am Zen. I am tranquil. I find my center. I watch you burn.
15. Yeah. You're going to have to take that up with your ex-husband. Although if you have the card, why don't you just charge some more?
16. Really, stop asking. No cash. Zip. It is done. You really need to go buh-bye.

17. Here is the receipt.
18. Here is the credit slip.
19. Sign.
20. Leave.
21. Push buggy away.
22. Drop giant ACME piano right .................... now.

(No. 22 didn't really happen. Oh, but if it did!)


DolfanDad said...

I really admire your willingness not to blow up at these people. Especially when it is clear they are lying and keep changing their story. I guess it wouldn't be good customer service to poke holes in their stories to show how rediculous they sound.

I'll keep that in mind when I need to talk to someone who I know is going to listen and won't ever talk back! WM cust. service should charge a fee for free therapy. Like Lucy in Charlie Brown!!

Anonymous said...

Do you take notes at work to remember these sequences of dialog or do you simply have a good memory for all of the details?

Anonymous said...

I work with public too and sometime I wish for a little red button under my desk for the acme piano too....

Anonymous said...

Are you sure I can't get cash back?? :P

Anonymous said...

"get me a manager NOW. They always do it for me. Actually get me your head manager" *sneaks a peek a top of receipt* "John Brown; he is my good pal you know"

j-yo said...

If your card is stolen, all you have to do is call the credit card company and you'll be reissued a new card with a new number. Any return credit placed back on the stolen card will still be credited to your new card since it's basically THE SAME ACCOUNT. I used to work in telephone customer service and I swear I still recite this in my sleep. And in my dreams, the customers STILL don't understand, because they never understood how a credit card worked inthe first place. (Sigh.)

Life is such a soap opera for some people.

Anonymous said...

I actually did ask for a refund for some Walmart brand Nicorette... I had been using it for serveral weeks with no problem, but a batch I bought had a horrible taste to it. I returned to a different walmart and got a different batch.. it tasted fine..