My IQ is lower than my air pressure

::::::::::::::::::UPDATED::::::::::::::::::

More bike drama.

One woman wanted to return a bicycle because she's had it a week and the tire went flat. Ummmm. OK. Flat tires really don't fall under the realm of "defective," but whatever.

I told her "Ma'am, you probably just need a new tire." Which in retrospect was exactly the wrong thing to say. Why? Because I was giving her a "NO," which she obviously never heard in her day-to-day existence AND essentially calling her stupid at the same time.

She got extremely angry with me and informed me that "No. The tires aren't supposed to go flat that fast. They're supposed to last longer."

Lady. Look. You can ride it on Day One and roll over a nail. No bike tire in the world outside of NASA or the government is likely to survive that. Shut up and deal.

For reals ... if you use something it is going to break down EVENTUALLY. Friends of my parents wrecked a brand new $27,000 Chevy truck on the way home from dealership. Life happens. So do flat tires. Buy a $7 tire and deal.

Honestly. Returning a bike because it has a flat tire is akin to taking your car back to the dealership because it has a flat. How many people do that? All the Wal-Mart customers can put their hands down now ....

PS: This is what I get for writing at 2 a.m. Yes, they returned it. Despite our "we don't return bicycles" policy. If you whined long enough and loud enough, you'd be able to return a baby, a dead grandma and a five-gallon can full of trash for a full refund!

Trail riders in the sky

Hi there. Pseudo-yuppie scum are the bane of my existence. Just because you can afford to rent a home in a neighborhood that won't let me through the front gate doesn't mean you actually ARE yuppies. You might want to check out the "professional" part. And while you're at it - the "young" part.

As has been chronicled here before, we're not supposed to take back bikes - but this policy has been crumbling as idiot human after idiot human cries, whines, bawls, sputters, complains, howls, carps, gripes, grouses, grumbles, moans, squawks, wails, laments and finally manages to hector some underpaid and under-brainpowered manager into "making an exception." Saturday saw six "exceptions" littering the Service Desk by 10 p.m.

So pseudo-yuppie and his towel-girl consort (green terrycloth shorts don't look good on fashion models honey, much less your lumpy milk-white legs) want to return not one but TWO adult bikes that they bought this morning and claim both are junk.

"We took off on them down the road and the noise was awful. All I could hear was racket." Hmm. Maybe because you're riding beside a major county highway?

But we're not supposed to take back bikes. Remember? So I tell him "No. We can repair them." Which is followed by the typical white-trash-with-an-attitude sewer storm of entitlement and bile that usually trails a few sentences after the word "No" whenever said expression is used in a retail setting.

Personally, I don't care. I'd take back a baby if it had a receipt. But I'm not going to be handing out $200 without covering my back.

So I get someone to talk to Pseudo-Yuppie and Green Terrycloth - and they say "Go ahead." **sigh**

So now he gives me one of those "I showed you" grins and started to open his mouth. I gave him a look that would melt glass and he shuts it.

And after having won the right to rent a bicycle from Wal-Mart and get his $195 back - and securing cash for his bud, beer and whatever else, the happy couple proceeds CELEBRATE by making out right there up at Customer Service while I'm scanning receipts and typing in numbers off said sweaty, stinky receipts.

Not just a hug and a peck mind you, but full-on body-wrap "let me check your tonsils" kissing. There were also wandering fingers, hands and an occasional toe being seen in NOT THE CORRECT PLACES! Not appropriate. Not appropriate. PS: Your children are going to look like monkeys! Ugly Jane Goodall reject monkeys!

Scuzzy vacationers who "rented" bikes for the afternoon. I hope you get TB on the plane home.

The Tale of the Quivering Lip

Now ya'll know we be having the bicycle drama at our store, right?

The entire Service Desk staff has gotten numerous lectures on "Don't return bikes. Tell the customers 'repair only.' Don't return bikes. Don't return bikes."

So this chunky monkey suburban housewife rolls up Saturday afternoon with a small girls bike.

The wheels are black, like it has been ridden on asphalt. Repeatedly. All day. One training wheel is a little wonky, like it hit a tree or the corner of a garage, but nothing too serious.

She has a receipt from 12 days ago and wants to return the bike because the training wheel is crooked.

I tell her no. This sets in motion a completely unbelievable chain of events the likes of which I've never seen before and hope to never see again.

This woman is obviously a master at emotional manipulation and at verbal trickery, because she used every trick in the book to try to return that bike - and she eventually made a stupid manager feel sorry enough for her to let her return it. I feel so bad for her husband.

These were here stories:

1. But she (her daughter) didn't ride it. Well why are the white wheels as black as tar?
2. My mother bought it. The wheel was crooked when she bought it. Well why did she buy it then?
3. My mother said the sales associate PRESSURED her into buying it. Hands up anyone who has EVER in the history of time been pressured into buying anything at Wal-Mart? Bueller? Bueller?
4. My daughter is too big for this bike. Stupidity is not a reason for a return.
5. I'm just not happy with the way I'm being treated. Shop elsewhere.
6. I want a bike in the box so that my father can put it together. Now, you're just being stupid.
7. I'm going to stand here with my bottom lip quivering and preparing to cry and just clog up the Customer Service line while I prepare to cry. Really lady, I don't care. I think you're being a child - a spoiled child at that. I get yelled at if I take back the bike. You're the dumb*** who let someone else buy a kid's bike without the kid present to test the bike.
8. I'm going to keep my lip quivering and try to defend the indefensible position of "No, I want a bike, in fact, I want this exact bike. I just don't want this particular bike. I want a bike in a box." Would you like a tissue for those crocodile tears?
9. No, I don't want you to fix it for me, even though the repair is free. Really? Yeah. You're broke. It's totally not about the bike and the allegedly wonky wheel is it? You need to pay your crack dealer.
10. My lip is still quivering. Tissue?
11. I just don't like the service here. Really? I don't like the customers here. You're stuck with me as long as I'm stuck with you.
12. I told you that my mother said the manager of the Toy Department told her "Well, you can take this bike or you can get another one." Is there an echo? Bueller? Bueller?
13. She finally manages to get two neurons to fire at the same time and asks for a manager. It took you thirteen tries to get the "I want a manager" line out? Passive-aggressive much?
14. Said idiot manager let her return the bike - for cash. Which we all knew was going to happen, didn't we.
15. Two hours later, the bike is still sitting at Customer Service when another manager asks "I though we didn't take bikes back?" Really? Ya'll need to get up on the same page up in here!

A flat is as good as a fool

I've said it before and I'll say it again. A FLAT TIRE IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO RETURN A BICYCLE. Apparently, the idiots who purchase bicycles at the world's largest importer of cheap foreign-made disposable crap don't understand the simple fact that BICYCLES DO GET FLATS. DUH!

So this 300-pound man comes up to Customer Service rolling a bike with a flat back tire. I'm only shocked the bike wasn't totally destroyed. And he's only had it a day.

Dude, a flat tire IS NOT a defect. Where did you ride? What did you ride it over? Did you even bother to check that the proper pressure was in the tires? Were you riding on the sidewalk or trail riding? Did you ever stop to think that THIS WON'T BE THE FIRST FLAT TIRE? Nor the last? Dude, owning a bike is WORK. If you want to pack it in now, you need to just give it up and get a Segway.

Anyway. He wants to return it. I inform him of the impossibility of that situation. He escalates to aggression and turns red and a vein pops out on his forehead. Maybe the doctor told him to take up exercise. He certainly has blood pressure issues. Maybe a nice walking regimen would fit him better -- or skeet shooting.

I quietly repeat our policy. No returns on bicycles. Repair only. "What do you mean you won't take it back? I bought it and it's no good."

"No sir. It has a flat tire. Like I said, we'll fix that. But we're not taking it back."

"I want a manager. Right now." Like I said. Issues.

The manager comes up. Looks at the bike, and says "Looks like you've got a flat tire. We'll get that fixed for you. You want to have a seat?" He wheels the bike away and back to the assembly area before the irate fool even manages to start spouting. Classic.

Twenty minutes later, the guy has a working bike. He's really not happy about that, but he's got literally no ground to stand on. I can only assume that he was having second thoughts about purchasing a bicycle. The bike is rolling now. So he rolls too.