So nobody liked Jane Austen. Seventy-four percent of poll respondents (92 of the 124 voters) hated it. Would it have been any better if I said "In the style of a Harlequin Romance?" Moving on.
Here's the story: This old man came up to Customer Service. He had a pack of pinochle cards. He wanted regular playing cards. I told him the regular cards were out on Register 15 - about 20 feet away and within sight of Customer Service. His answer? "That's too far to walk." So I had to go get the cards and bring them back to Customer Service for this contrary old fart.
Now, here's the story as written in the style of the Old Testament. (what's going on this week)
IN THE BEGINNING ...... Sam Walton saw that Wal-Mart was good. He created the florescent lighting. He created the hard tile floors. He created the Chinese laborers to create the poisonous merchandise. He created the Tire, the Lube and the Express. Finally, he created Man, for without man (and woman), the cash registers could not ring and bring bountiful tithes into the great and glorious temples that were the House of the Wal.
And unto Sam Walton was born Wal-Mart #1.
And Wal-Mart #1 lived for many years and begat Wal-Mart #2.
Wal-Mart was fruitful and multiplied.
Wal-Mart #2903 begat Sam's Club #1, which fed Egypt, Syria and Nubia throughout the lean years of the plague.
Wal-Mart was faithful to the teaching of their lord Sam. Once, during the battle of Piggly-Wiggly, Sam Walton prayed "My lord, I beg of you, lower thine prices so that we may continue to discount yet another day." The Lord of Low Prices complied and the Wal-Mart warriors slaughtered a host of cashiers from the retailer-states of Piggly-Wiggly, Freds and Kmart.
Wal-Mart was fruitful and multiplied.
Wal-Mart #3906 begat the Wal-Mart Supercenter, which in turn begat poisoned meat, shoddy Chinese goods and poor customer service to the masses.
The setting? Jerusalem, specifically a trading post in a marketplace in Old City.
MAN RETURNING CARDS: “And it be told thee, and thou hast heard [of it], and enquired diligently, and, behold, [it be] true, [and] the thing certain, [that] such abomination is wrought in the Wal-Mart.” Deuteronomy 17:14 I NEED HELP
WORKER: "Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret?" 1 Corinthians 12:30 WHAT DO YOU WANT?
CARD MAN: "I have therefore brought an oblation for the Lord, what every man hath gotten, of jewels of gold, chains, and bracelets, rings, earrings, and tablets, to make an atonement for our souls before the Lord." Numbers 31:50 I GOT SOME STUFF HERE!
WORKER: "Then let him count the years of the sale thereof, and restore the overplus unto the man to whom he sold it; that he may return unto his possession." Leviticus 25:27 DO YOU WANT TO RETURN IT?
CARD MAN: "Behold, I cry out of wrong, but I am not heard: I cry aloud, but [there is] no judgment." Job 19:7 I GOT THE WRONG THING.
WORKER: "Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, [if it be] truth, [and] the thing certain, [that] such abomination is wrought among you;" Deuteronomy 13:14 GO TO REGISTER 15 AND LOOK FOR IT!
CARD MAN: "I beseech thee, O Clerk, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done [that which is] good in thy sight." 2 Kings, 20:3 I DON'T WANT TO GO. I WALKED A LONG WAY. DO IT FOR ME!
WORKER: "And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits." Leviticus 26:20 YOU WALKED IN HERE. CAN’T YOU WALK 15 MORE FEET?
CARD MAN: "That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience." Letters to Titus 2:2 OLD PEOPLE DESERVE RESPECT
WORKER: "Great men are not [always] wise: neither do the aged understand judgment." Job 32:9 OLD PEOPLE SUCK HARDER
CARD MAN: "And it shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the Lord, and do them; and that ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring:" Numbers 15:39 I WANT IT. GO GET IT. NOW. OR I’M GOING TO GET A MANAGER UP IN HERE.
WORKER: "So Moses brought Israel from the Red sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness, and found no water." Exodus 15:22 I WALKED 26 STEPS TO REGISTER 15 AND PICKED UP A PACK OF PLAYING CARDS.
CARD MAN: "Therefore I will give thanks unto thee, O Lord, among the heathen, and I will sing praises unto thy name." 2 Samuel 22:50 THAT’S RIGHT. GET IT. GET IT. GET IT. I WILL OFFER INSINCERE THANKS.
WORKER: "But even after that we had suffered before, and were shamefully entreated, as ye know, at Philippi, we were bold in our God to speak unto you the gospel of God with much contention." 1 Thessalonians 2:2 UH HUH. YOU TREAT ME BAD OLD MAN AND IT DON'T MATTER TO YOU!
CARD MAN: "And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more." Genesis 8:12 IS THAT ALL? I BEEN HERE ALL DAY
WORKER: "And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel." Exodus 34:27 SIGN THE REFUND SLIP YOU OLD CUSS
CARD MAN: "But bade them farewell, saying, I must by all means keep this feast that cometh in Jerusalem: but I will return again unto you, if God will. And he sailed from Ephesus." Acts 18:21 I’M GOING TO LEAVE NOW.
WORKER: "And if he smite him with an instrument of iron, so that he die, he [is] a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." Numbers 35:15 I FEEL SOME SMITING COMING ON!
Much credit goes to biblelookup.com. Your source for verses on the go!
Yesterday's post, the much-maligned Jane Austen.