Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Dirty Old Man: In the style of the Old Testament

So nobody liked Jane Austen. Seventy-four percent of poll respondents (92 of the 124 voters) hated it. Would it have been any better if I said "In the style of a Harlequin Romance?" Moving on.

Here's the story:
This old man came up to Customer Service. He had a pack of pinochle cards. He wanted regular playing cards. I told him the regular cards were out on Register 15 - about 20 feet away and within sight of Customer Service. His answer? "That's too far to walk." So I had to go get the cards and bring them back to Customer Service for this contrary old fart.

Now, here's the story as written in the style of the Old Testament. (what's going on this week)

IN THE BEGINNING ...... Sam Walton saw that Wal-Mart was good. He created the florescent lighting. He created the hard tile floors. He created the Chinese laborers to create the poisonous merchandise. He created the Tire, the Lube and the Express. Finally, he created Man, for without man (and woman), the cash registers could not ring and bring bountiful tithes into the great and glorious temples that were the House of the Wal.

And unto Sam Walton was born Wal-Mart #1.

And Wal-Mart #1 lived for many years and begat Wal-Mart #2.

Wal-Mart was fruitful and multiplied.

Wal-Mart #2903 begat Sam's Club #1, which fed Egypt, Syria and Nubia throughout the lean years of the plague.

Wal-Mart was faithful to the teaching of their lord Sam. Once, during the battle of Piggly-Wiggly, Sam Walton prayed "My lord, I beg of you, lower thine prices so that we may continue to discount yet another day." The Lord of Low Prices complied and the Wal-Mart warriors slaughtered a host of cashiers from the retailer-states of Piggly-Wiggly, Freds and Kmart.

Wal-Mart was fruitful and multiplied.

Wal-Mart #3906 begat the Wal-Mart Supercenter, which in turn begat poisoned meat, shoddy Chinese goods and poor customer service to the masses.

The setting? Jerusalem, specifically a trading post in a marketplace in Old City.

MAN RETURNING CARDS: “And it be told thee, and thou hast heard [of it], and enquired diligently, and, behold, [it be] true, [and] the thing certain, [that] such abomination is wrought in the Wal-Mart.” Deuteronomy 17:14 I NEED HELP

: "Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret?" 1 Corinthians 12:30 WHAT DO YOU WANT?

: "I have therefore brought an oblation for the Lord, what every man hath gotten, of jewels of gold, chains, and bracelets, rings, earrings, and tablets, to make an atonement for our souls before the Lord." Numbers 31:50 I GOT SOME STUFF HERE!

: "Then let him count the years of the sale thereof, and restore the overplus unto the man to whom he sold it; that he may return unto his possession." Leviticus 25:27 DO YOU WANT TO RETURN IT?

: "Behold, I cry out of wrong, but I am not heard: I cry aloud, but [there is] no judgment." Job 19:7 I GOT THE WRONG THING.

: "Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, [if it be] truth, [and] the thing certain, [that] such abomination is wrought among you;" Deuteronomy 13:14 GO TO REGISTER 15 AND LOOK FOR IT!

: "I beseech thee, O Clerk, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done [that which is] good in thy sight." 2 Kings, 20:3 I DON'T WANT TO GO. I WALKED A LONG WAY. DO IT FOR ME!

: "And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits." Leviticus 26:20 YOU WALKED IN HERE. CAN’T YOU WALK 15 MORE FEET?

: "That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience." Letters to Titus 2:2 OLD PEOPLE DESERVE RESPECT

: "Great men are not [always] wise: neither do the aged understand judgment." Job 32:9 OLD PEOPLE SUCK HARDER

: "And it shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the Lord, and do them; and that ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring:" Numbers 15:39 I WANT IT. GO GET IT. NOW. OR I’M GOING TO GET A MANAGER UP IN HERE.

: "So Moses brought Israel from the Red sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness, and found no water." Exodus 15:22 I WALKED 26 STEPS TO REGISTER 15 AND PICKED UP A PACK OF PLAYING CARDS.

: "Therefore I will give thanks unto thee, O Lord, among the heathen, and I will sing praises unto thy name." 2 Samuel 22:50 THAT’S RIGHT. GET IT. GET IT. GET IT. I WILL OFFER INSINCERE THANKS.

: "But even after that we had suffered before, and were shamefully entreated, as ye know, at Philippi, we were bold in our God to speak unto you the gospel of God with much contention." 1 Thessalonians 2:2 UH HUH. YOU TREAT ME BAD OLD MAN AND IT DON'T MATTER TO YOU!

: "And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more." Genesis 8:12 IS THAT ALL? I BEEN HERE ALL DAY

: "And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel." Exodus 34:27 SIGN THE REFUND SLIP YOU OLD CUSS

: "But bade them farewell, saying, I must by all means keep this feast that cometh in Jerusalem: but I will return again unto you, if God will. And he sailed from Ephesus." Acts 18:21 I’M GOING TO LEAVE NOW.

: "And if he smite him with an instrument of iron, so that he die, he [is] a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." Numbers 35:15 I FEEL SOME SMITING COMING ON!

Much credit goes to biblelookup.com. Your source for verses on the go!

Yesterday's post, the much-maligned Jane Austen.


Anonymous said...

i like *your* voice.

please go back to telling us what happens in your life, *your* way.

that's what i come here for.

hugs, sunny

Anonymous said...

1. Yes, JA should have been "Harlequin Romance".

2. ROFLMAOPIP. I realize that some like your way, but I appreciate you having a "tribute week".
Spices things up! I see where you are going with this and will be back to read more.

3. Psalm 49:3


DnDinKC said...

where are you and WHY do you feel like you have to change...
I read your blog for fun
I read my Bible for life lessons...mixing the two just doesn't seem kosher.

Anonymous said...

I voted that I hated it but let's be clear...it's not that your Jane Austen bit wasn't well done but rather that Jane Austen sucks.

Looking forward to the rest of the "in the style of".

comoprozac said...

I love it! I tried out the Bible lookup link and randomly selected the word"ostrich" just to test it out...

Job 39:13
[Gavest thou] the goodly wings unto the peacocks? or wings and feathers unto the ostrich?

That site's going on my delicious account for sure.

FARfetched said...

I'd vote "Meh." if that choice were available. Today's tribute was going well up until the conversation.

It's a great concept, though — I expect the execution will improve... it's only Tuesday, after all!

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with your normal writing style, your normal voice? I am sure it must hurt a little (or maybe a lot) to put your heart into an endeavor and feel confident in what you've produced, only to have others sneer at it. I am sorry because I am sure it must hurt. BUT...

STOP....for the love of writing, stop! Once again, you've failed.

124 voters? Ha! LOL! Where? Over-inflated sense of self-worth? You sure didn't have anywhere near 124 comments on your Jane Austen failure.

Please, go back to being YOU. The pink-bedazzled vested canary we all enjoy reading. :-)

Anonymous said...

Don't read the Bible for "life lessons". Or if you do, at least give Grimm's Fairytales equal time and don't forget stories of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Better yet, give reason and empirical thought/questioning a go. You'll be much better served and smarter to boot.

Anonymous said...

Shame be to me...I now see where you can actually vote. I am sorry for my snippy and rude comment above, however, I still stick by the "stop".

(Although I do think with time, you'd improve, I just enjoy the "plain" 'ole you.)

Anonymous said...

As a former Biblical studies major, and a recovering baptist, i ROFL reading this! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

paintpaste said...

i like this "in the style of"...i really enjoy your stuff but this changes things up a bit and makes it interesting. good job!

paintpaste said...

oh yeah and this post had me laughing...brought back memories of good old catholic school religion class :P

peacemongermom said...

"I read my Bible for life lessons...mixing the two just doesn't seem kosher."

OH HAHAHAHAHAHA. That cracks me up.

I for one love the biblical voice - it is terribly fitting for the mental processes (using the term loosely here) of both the Walmartian management and TPTB as well as some of the people who shop at the House of Wal. Hypocrisy is alive and well.

Keep up the great work. You make me laugh.

Library Rat said...

At this point, I'm joining the "I'll be back next week" crowd.

Sorry, but you do much better in your own voice. And not retelling the same thing over and over.

SalGal said...

Ok, I wasn't sure about this "style" thing. Yesterday was an abomination, but today... today was freaking hysterical!

j-yo said...

Love it! My top preference is for your normal voice, but this is a great diversion and I hope you'll keep surprising us now and then with these little jewels. You can't make everyone happy all the time. (Oh, I forget, you work in Customer Service!)

Anonymous said...

It's your blog. Write it however you want!!

Anonymous said...

I, too, hated the JA style because I hate JA. I found the Old Testament amusing. Keep it up with the great works of fiction.

In Recovery said...

Dude, *you're* the one who is funny, we want to hear it your words. But, yeah, OT was funny. The Jane Austen one wasn't funny because it wasn't anything like her style. Stick to what you know!

Anonymous said...

Same story twice?

Are you going to reiterate this same story all week long, but in a different style each time?

As someone said: it's your blog, do what you want with it. I just find it tiresome and boring.

Just my 2 cents.

ps: It's really stupid to turn this into a "is the Bible real" discussion. That's not the point here.

ImOnTopOfTheWorld! said...

jack jack jack come back come back come back come back come back...do one in the TITANIC style!! HA!

Anonymous said...

Naysayers be damned. It's your blog so write how you wish. I think it's cool that you're mixing it up like this. I mean it is only temporary and plus, it's fun (but maybe just for you the way some people are complaining). Keep on going and enjoy!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm in the "I'll be back later" crowd. I want to read YOUR blog, not have to read it through someone elses eyes/style. If I wanted to do that, I would read a romance or a bible blog. I came here to read a wal-mart blog.

Anonymous said...

this was stupid. if you want to keep your readers, stop it.

Anonymous said...

I am not enjoying this so much. I applaud your effort though.

I have to admit as an ex-fundie (thank the lawrd), this latest installment gave me flashbacks. I had to snarf down a xanax.

Anonymous said...

This one I like.

Nothing, not even funny walmart stories can make Jane Austen's style be anything but sucky.

La Mujer De Tus Suenos said...

I read this earlier, and was very disappointed with it.

Just now (not too long after reading some passages from the Old Testament, matter of fact!) I re-read it, and realized what a wonderful piece of writing it is and what a smart person you are! I enjoyed it very much! Props to you for trying something different.

Matt said...

HA! I actually really enjoyed this attempt.

I'll admit that you had me really scared with the Jane Austin tribute, but this has more than made up for it.

Don't listen to the naysayers... they can live with a week of experimentation here and there... and if not, they can always go somewhere else. It's your blog, your life, rule it!

Jack said...

Hey, also work in retail, and I feel your pain. Oh, and so added to my all new spangly blogroll!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
this was stupid. if you want to keep your readers, stop it.

The thing with any creative output (be it literature, music, visual art, wtfever), is that the creator generally ENJOYS what it is they're making. People don't create just for the sake of attention/joy of others.
If the creator becomes bored with the same-old, it's his or her choice to expand/explore other areas. In fact, not only does it benefit their interest, but it exercises and maintains skill so they CAN keep a distinct voice to keep you (the reader) interested.

Props to the expanse in style, bbc. I've been reading for a looong, long while now. And I'm glad to see you exercising your writing skills. ... But in the same breath, I do appreciate your "normal" voice just a tad more. :)