Sunday, October 21, 2007

Black Thumb the Pirate

By the power of Grayskull, I have now seen it all. All. There is no more to see. Removeth mine eyes and fill the empty sockets with tulip bulbs.

I cringe at the sight of dead plants. In the first place, I hate the fact that people are supporting Wal-Mart instead of a proper nursery, one that might actually help them keep the poor things alive. Then, I dread the inevitable collection of dirt, dead leaves and sometimes bugs that will soon be scattered across my counter. Or the hunt for a UPC if they don't have a receipt.

This woman Sunday took the cake. Not only did she return nine - count 'em, NINE - plants, she returned everything she used to grow kill the plants as well.

It boggles the mind.

I'm returning four pairs of shoes for a woman (all the wrong size) when I look up and see a buggy of dead plants. Inwardly, I groan. Outwardly, I probably groaned too, because the Carrie Bradshaw-wannabe I was helping turned around, looked and then turned back and around and went "Oh, wow. They're dead." to her totally-not-Samantha-but-still-a-ho friend.

Dead doesn't even begin to describe these plants. Think last week's salad - with a dash of the Sahara thrown in for good measure. The woman was the basic Midwestern retiree type that flocks to Florida. Yellow shorts, blue T-shirt, sun visor. Spotless white shoes. Right there, that was a clue. How many gardeners have you ever seen with even one pair of white shoes? Much less clean ones.

Not-Carrie and Samantha-bot leave. Black Thumb pulls up to the counter and begins unloading her cargo of slain chlorophyll. I grab a metaphorical pair of hedge clippers and wade in.

She's got five, six, seven, eight, NINE clods of very dry dirt - roughly the size of a pot - attached to a stem and some leaves (Dieffenbachia, for those interested). These, she starts clunking down on the counter. "THESE" *clunk* dirt flies, "DIDN'T GROW" *clunk* more dirt "FOR ME." *clunk, clunk, clunk*

After the first three, when I realize she's intent on *clunking* out the entire litany of her failed botany experiment, I grab some Wal-mart bags and get her to put the science fair rejects in there instead. Hey, I care about the planet. I recycle!

Then, when I didn't think it was possible, it gets worse. UNDER the plants in her buggy, she's got the tools of the torturer. A half a bag of fertilizer, a hand-held spade, a hand-held trowel, a garden hose and a bottle of MiracleGro. ALL USED!

"You want to return all that?"

Of course you do.

The date on the receipt? September 29, 2007. Yes folks. Deader than Britney's career after the VMA's in just over three weeks. Impressive isn't it?

Want to play gardener? Come right on in to the House of Wal. We don't have any trained gardeners or people who know anything about plants. But we'll let you return your toys when you break them.


turtlegirl76 said...

How the hell do you kill Diffenbachia in 3 weeks? That's just sad. But sadder still is trying to return them.

eBay Rookie said...

Only a half-bag of fertalizer? She probably fried the poor things.

j-yo said...

Sad. I used to have a dieffenbachia plant and those suckers are pretty hard to kill. I know this because I'm good at killing plants and the dieffenbachia was going strong until I gave it away a few years later. I kill a lot of plants, but I blame my own lack of green thumb and the fact that I forget to water them. And I never return them to the store!

Brian said...


Those are probably the same people who leave diapers in shopping carts outside the store, etc.

Some people seriously need to be destroyed.

And florida, ahh yes. I Lived there for a time, in the *cough* wonderful *cough city of Pensacola. Talk about your white trash walmart experiences...

Lilith Parker said...

Should've crammed some leaves down her throat. The stuff is delightfully toxic.

Anonymous said...

When you mentioned the MiracleGrow, my thoughts ran along the same lines as Ebay's. I bet between the fertilizer (was it the kind with MiracleBURN in the soil?) and the bottle of MiracleGrow, she fried the roots of the poor things. (I did this once in the third grade to my own little outdoor garden. Good lesson---more MG does NOT = better, bigger plants.)

film-chick said...

I just returned a rose bush to the nursery (a REAL nursery). It was doing really well for about 5 months, through the hot SoCal summer, then died after a brief rain. I felt kind of stupid, but it was $23 and they guarantee them forever. This time I asked for advice and ordered something hardier. When it comes in I'll have someone help me buy a good pot. At least I knocked off most of the dirt and put it in a bag before I slapped it onto the counter.

Meadow Walk said...

You've GOT to read this one! WalMart Classic


Anonymous said...

the rest of the link from that last comment:


j-yo said...

Meadow Walk said...
You've GOT to read this one! WalMart Classic

LMAO! "I eat fiber on Tuesday." LMAO again!

Heidi said...

Honestly, how do you do that? How do these people sleep at night. Doesn't anyone take responsibility for their actions? Although, it is funny, too!

Anonymous said...

keep writing this stuff - somehow you have become my therapy - how much better do I feel about myself after reading about the scammers - ugh, I mean, customers - in your posts? I'm only half-kidding!