Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A fishy story

OK. You have the blender - the same blender - not an old one (because that trick does get played), neatly packaged in the original box - complete with instructions. You've got a receipt from about a month ago - which is well within our 90-day limit to return an item. There ain't gonna be no problem returning this here blender.

So please tell me lady - please, for the love of caviar and toast points - when I ask you "Have you used the blender at all?" - do you feel compelled to lie to me? "No. I never used it."

Why is "Have you used it?" a starting point for a web of lies?

Well, for one, when I take the blender jar out to see if it is indeed the same as on the box - I CAN SEE FISH SCALES STUCK ALL AROUND THE SCREW THING ON THE BOTTOM! It's like a koi pond down there. I don't know whether to laugh or throw pennies and put up Buddhist statues and start meditating!

Furthermore, you've had it for a month. You might have, you know - I don't know - tried it out in all that time. Besides. The smell coming from this thing is like the back door of a fish joint.

The only reason I'm asking is that I need to know if we can sell the blender again. Yes. We do need to know these things - you pert little Asian yuppie wearing a pink and green spaghetti-strap dress and fitted out in jade bangles and with a beautiful short sexy haircut.

I don't really care that "Your mother decided she didn't want a blender." What you do with the aged crone is your business. Chop her up and put her in the blender and serve her with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Make a nice California roll. Whatever. Did. You. Use. The. Blender?

Your mother is NOT RELEVANT to the discussion. "DID. YOU. USE. IT." Sashimi. Oyster margaritas. Fish rolls. Salmon croquettes. Fugu for five. Starfish for six. Jonathan Livingston Seagull for seven. Slade Gorton stew. I don't care. Just tell the truth.

YES or NO. The answer is simple. Because you would sure enough blow a gasket it we sold you a blender that looked and smelled like someone ground up enough fish to keep Mrs. Paul's in business for the next decade. OK? Okay. What are you doing with a blender anyway? Blender are not cheap food processors. As obviously you learned when you tried to grind up fish - scales and all.

After all. It is a $24 blender. Don't nobody need to commit perjury for the sake of $24. For reals.

Buttons. Mash. DEFECTIVE.
[Customer said motor burned out & there was a burning smell.]

Because I have to lie. I can't put "Cheap woman bought a blender, ground up some fish and returned it because she really needs a food processor but is too cheap to pay a $100 for even a low-end KitchenAid model."


IAmMatto said...

I don't know for sure (being a vegetarian and all)...but I don't think there are many cooking situations that involve blending fish with their scales...the entire time I was reading this I kept thinking, "I bet she bought it to torture/kill fish, then felt guilty and wanted to get away from it". I was just waiting for her to say it...

And as a first time poster I feel obligated to say this, so here it goes: Love the blog, keep it up.

kdl said...

i have created many a fine beverage with my lovely (expensive) Osterizer, but why would this woman go all bass-o-matic?
people lie when they're afraid. she was afraid you wouldn't let her return the blender.
i would have assured her of the return, pointed out the fishcrud, explained the reason for needing to know and asked her again.
but then, i don't have a line/assortment of crackers in front of me!

Library Rat said...

Should've handed it back to her and told her to wash the damned thing befoore you'd take it back.

Anonymous said...

She thought she was buying the "Bass-O-Matic"

jabes said...

I love how she says she never used it but that the motor burned out and there was a burning smell.

Clark said...

Off Topic but you got mentioned twice today on

ShopGirl said...

Back almost 20 years ago when I worked at WM HQ, there was an employee store you could shop at in Bentonville that had returned stuff. Most of it was just fine, but like this nasty unwashed blender - just in need of some cleaning. I had a nice food processor that cost all of $5 that lasted until just last year when my husband replaced it with a new (and quiet) Cuisinart. Ironically, I sold that old, very used (but clean!) processor for $10! I would have gladly taken $2, but someone offered $10 before I even had it priced.

Mostly, it's funny how people lie thinking they're making things easier for themselves. Stupido!

Bruce said...

You should have pointed out the fish bits inside it and asked her, "So it was like this when you bought it then?"

Make her squirm a little bit, see just how creative her lies could get (not very from the sound of it).

Cyndi said...

I was completely comfortable with the Bass-O-Matic skit until I found out that Akroyd based that on a REAL dinner his great-aunt (or some such relative) made.


Glen said...

Here's how it works: Catch a bass, remove the hook, and drop the bass - that's the whole bass - into the Super Bass-o-Matic '76.

That's terrific bass!

Funniest. Sketch. Ever.

travisl said...

"Have you used the blender at all?"

"No. I never used it."

This could be completely true. It sounds like it was her mother that used it, not her.