Monday, July 09, 2007

Remote control

Anyway under the age of 35 remembers those fantastically graphic "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN; THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS" commercials that involved an egg and some iteration of a frying pan from the 1990s. Well, I got hit in the face with living proof that not everyone saw those commercials or got a dose of Nancy Reagan on "Diffrent' Strokes" back in the day.

Once again, I get stranded at the service desk after I get back from my lunch. It's about 7:30 p.m. when this woman comes up. She's either on something or is so fried she doesn't have any grey matter left to communicate with.

At first, I thought she might have been mentally challenged, because there is a group home/halfway house nearby and the residents do come in to shop frequently. But she wasn't. It was like talking to a brick of cheese. Except that Velveeta would probably have been smarter if you gave it an IQ test.

This was wearing green jeans and brown checked Western shirt. On top of that - in July in Florida - she had a ratty pink zip-up jogging suit top. She was so thin - so thin I could see every bone in her hands and arms - so I'm really thinking crystal meth.

She came in with a remote control. I'm like "Can I help you?" and all I get is a blink. "Ma'am, do you need something?" and she sort of waves the remote at me and says "Got this."

The ensuing conversation was painful beyond belief. It was just eye-ball gougingly awful trying to get something approaching comprehension out of her - especially because she parked herself in front of my register and refused to move. On my honor, this is the best I can reproduce the conversation. I wish I had a tape recorder.

ME: "OK. You got a remote. Do you got a receipt?"
DRUGALICIOUS WOMAN: Silence. Then "Uhhhhhhh. This broke." That, unfortunately was a pattern. Question followed by silence and then an eventual sort of answer.
ME: "OK. Did you buy that here?"
DW: "Yeah."
ME: "Yeah. You don't have a receipt for this anywhere do you?"
DW: "It go with my TV." I didn't think it went with the microwave.
ME: "OK. So this is your TV remote? And it broke? Why did you come to Wal-Mart?"
DW: "Want a new one."
ME: "Uh. When did you buy the TV?"
DW: Thinks about it for a while. "Last year." Ha. Good one.

ME: "See, that's gonna be a problem."
DW: "My TV got games on it. Right here." And I get a demonstration of the GAMES button on the remote.
ME: "Yeah. We don't take stuff back after 90 days."

DW: Works this over. "Go see they gimme new remote."
ME: "Uh. No. Do you got the papers that came with your TV? Anything that came with it?"
DW: "Threw the box away." Figures.
ME: "Yeah. That's not so good."
DW: "Need a remote."

ME: "I bet you do. You need to go home and find the papers that came with the TV and call them and tell them you need a new remote."
DW: "Gimme a new remote."
ME: "See, we don't do that. We don't take stuff back after 90 days. We can sell you a new Universal remote. Or you can go home and get on the phone."
DW: "Need a remote. Gonna call. Can I use you all's phone?"

ME: "Who are you gonna call?" Yeah, it went down like that. At this point there were eight or so customers in line to be helped -- ALL of them were giving her a good six-foot berth while in the line for the other register. Everyone was just STARING at her like "MY GOD IT'S A CRAZY PERSON IN LINE. I MIGHT GET LOONY-COOTIES AND DIE."
DW: "Oh."
ME: "Do you want to buy a remote? Hold on. Let me get somebody to go with you. If you don't like it, just save the receipt and bring it back."
DW: "Yeah. Do that."
ME: "OK. You wait right there. Don't move. I'm gonna get somebody to come up and talk to you about remotes."

ME: on the phone to Electronics "Please bring the cheapest and most compatible remote you got up here as fast as you can. Don't ask, just pick up a remote and run."

DW: "How much this cost?"
ME: "It's about eight dollars."
DW: "Damn. That high." Seriously, not as high as you are.
ME: "I'm gonna give you a receipt. Try the remote out and if it don't work, bring it back."
DW: "OK."
ME: "How you wanna pay?"

Girlfriend might be be an addict, but she know cash - she whips out a tiny wallet stacked full of cards, papers and cash and gives me a $20.

I cash her out and bag the remote up and make sure she stows the receipt.

Surreal. Absolutely frelling surreal.

She might have been crazy. Even so. Even the lunatics at the asylum need their TV. I'll sell her anything she wants. She might have been strung out or insane, but I'll say one thing - she never yelled at me. Which rates her a lot higher than most of my difficult customers.

26 comments:

Kendal said...

Even the lunatics at the asylum need their TV.

I tell you what, the ONLY thing to do in a psych ward is watch TV.

DolfanDad said...

I agree, I would think this encournter ranks as one of the least stressful. Take your time, you're not getting yelled at. You helped her out, she actually took your help instead of refusing to pay for another one. All in all I'd say it was rather enjoyable! Of course I wasn't the one behind the counter, if I were I would have fired a loooong time ago.

Anonymous said...

I truly enjoy your blog and I'm quite certain or at least extremely hopefully that you are more intelligent and have a better command of the English language and how to write than some of your recent posts display.

Do you got a receipt?

Do you got the papers that came with your TV?

Please bring the cheapest and most compatible remote you got up here as fast as you can.


It amazes me that you consistently make such a simple error of grammar and continue to misuse the word, 'got'. This causes you to appear much less intelligent than I'm sure you probably are (in other words, you probably aren't dumb, but this causes you to sound it.)

Try the remote out and if it don't work, bring it back.
Another glaring yet basic error of grammar.

By reading this, one would ASSume you are clueless when it comes to simple, fifth grade grammar and writing. (Again, I'm convinced this isn't the case, but why would anyone knowingly write and/or speak this way time and time again?)

Aaron said...

Sheesh. She probably just needed batteries in the first place. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'H*** no they ain't.' 'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the h*** would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. I just couldn't believe you got l*** twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Thought this story would bring a smile to your face! Happy Monday!

Anonymous said...

Yo anonymous. My guess would be her use of grammer would be a translation on the girl in line, not her actual use of grammer. perhaps if you actually read her posts you might figure that out. Perhaps you'll be a target of one of her future posts if you shop/return in her store.

Anonymous said...

I truly enjoy your blog and I'm quite certain or at least extremely hopefully that you are more intelligent and have a better command of the English language and how to write than some of your recent posts display.

Do you got a receipt?

Do you got the papers that came with your TV?

Please bring the cheapest and most compatible remote you got up here as fast as you can.


It amazes me that you consistently make such a simple error of grammar and continue to misuse the word, 'got'. This causes you to appear much less intelligent than I'm sure you probably are (in other words, you probably aren't dumb, but this causes you to sound it.)

Try the remote out and if it don't work, bring it back.
Another glaring yet basic error of grammar.

By reading this, one would ASSume you are clueless when it comes to simple, fifth grade grammar and writing. (Again, I'm convinced this isn't the case, but why would anyone knowingly write and/or speak this way time and time again?)



Don't make me butcher the above post. Your first sentence is missing a couple of commas and such. It's a pretty good run-on sentence though. Certainly, it protrays a second grade education if you were to ask me. Don't be an idiot. At least the reader gets the message the poster is trying to get across.

Anonymous said...

I agree that her use of grammar is poking fun at the way the person was talking and not the way she actually writes.

When one ASSuMEs things all they do is make and ass out of you and me. So assume away anonymous, assume away.

DolfanDad said...

give anon a break, he/she's probably a fifth grade grammer teacher who is hell bent on teaching people proper grammer. The problem is the real world is far from proper, so get used to it! Have you ever spent any time at all outside!? Or do you just sit and read "Jane Eyre" all day? Anyone who actually works in public knows that grammer is out the window when it comes with trying to communicate to the local people of south florida. Hate to break it to ya.

helena said...

Anonymous,

It's pretty obviously a stylistic choice, you stupid bint.

Love,

A fellow reader

Erin Bradley said...

Let's conjugate!

Anonymous is stupid.
Anonymous was stupid.
Anonymous has been stupid.
Anonymous is always going to be stupid.

Oops, did I not do that correctly?

TOO F'ING BAD.

Anonymous said...

To 'Yo' Anon--if you read the posts and listened to the radio interview linked at the side, you'd know a MALE writes this blog.

Also, this is NOT the only post where HE uses 'got' incorrectly. It's easy to tell when HE is writing in dialect, this was NOT one of those times.

Anonymous said...

Jeesus..some of you would be better of fucking dying..chill the hell out, Jesus or Ghandi wasn't attacked, in fact, the author of the blog wasn't even attacked. How was anything stated in a rude or inappropriate manner?

The author obviously only has ONE job, WAL-MART, always has had ONE job, WAL-MART and is a stupid fucking fag hag hoping this blog will get him somewhere other than WAL-MART.

DolfanDad said...

"Jeesus..some of you would be better of fucking dying..chill the hell out"

I think someone else needs a timeout. Are you going to pitch a fit about it? You should just line up at the CS line at your local wal-mart! :) We're not defending BBC who was attacked, we're pointing out how stupid your post (or the other anon's post) was. That is all. Maybe you should take some of what the remote control lady was taking. I swear, sometimes the comments are more entertaining than the blog itself! Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

This is ridiculous.

Teacher anon,
Many people can write proper sentences yet do not speak in them -- especially when speaking to someone of a much lesser IQ. You cannot go back and proofread what has been said. If you do so with your own sentences, it is considered psychopathic; if you do so with someone else’s sentences, you are considered a snobby B**** or B****** -- depending on your gender.
The author misuses some words (including 'got') when writing what has been said because it is accurate. To answer your question, no you did not "attack" the author but the way insults were prefaced by stupid attempts to soften the blow is CONDECENDING. You might as well have said "I know you are a good boy, but you did a bad thing".
Also, Wal-Mart is not his only job, nor has it always been his job. It is, as he has said many times, his second job to help pay for his vehicle. Maybe that is why the attempt to soften the blow was seen as the condescending crap it really is -- if you had read this post as much as you say, you would know these things.

That being said; everyone else does need to cool it a little. The author has had harsher attacks and seems to be able to come out on top.

Anonymous said...

"Who are you gonna call?"

Ah, if only Ms. Meth was clever enough to say "Ghostbusters!"

themejunky said...

I'm sure that you've been asked this a billion times before, but why on Earth do you put up with this job?

You seem like a smart person, and there has to be an easier way to find some daily blog material!

Again, I apologize for probably being the bazillionth person to leave this comment. I couldn't find a "FAQ" or "About Me" link anywhere on the front page, though.

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your blog tonight...went through May, June, and July...wicked rants, you are absolutely hilarious I must say...though I've never been in retail, I can sympathize with your plight. Whenever I go to places, I try to be as polite and malleable as possible to help everyone involved.

I would wish you could find a better job, but, where would I find such applicable and well founded angst?

I bet if your material were to read your blog, they'd laugh too, not realizing it is actually them. People are funny that way...quite dissociative, actually.

Seriously though, I hope you don't spend your better years there, you don't deserve it.

AC

S. A. said...

Anonymous said...

Jeesus..some of you would be better of fucking dying..chill the hell out, Jesus or Ghandi wasn't attacked, in fact, the author of the blog wasn't even attacked. How was anything stated in a rude or inappropriate manner?

The author obviously only has ONE job, WAL-MART, always has had ONE job, WAL-MART and is a stupid fucking fag hag hoping this blog will get him somewhere other than WAL-MART.


Huh? You realize that you just attacked and cruelly insulted the author of this blog, right? He may be homosexual, but that doesn't make him a "fucking fag hag". That's rude, inappropriate, and ignorant. If you are so offended by that, then go away. He doesn't need you to read his posts.

Wal-Mart is his second job that helps him pay rent and live. Most people can barely afford to live with one income, and must find a secondary source, whether through a partner or through a second job. The only reason you don't hear about his real job is because this blog is about Wal-Mart, although he does mention he has it from time to time.

Anonymous said...

Easy way to tell if someone is a meth head. See if they have scabs on the backs of thier hands. One of the side effects is to believe there are things on you and you habitually pick at them.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, the anecdotal disinformation presented in the comments of your readership about methamphetamines is quite alarming.

-Xaenp

Anonymous said...

I think you handled that very well, honestly.

I'm sorry the more uptight among your readership feel the need to give you so much grief for this post. It didn't take my strongest deduction skills to figure out your gender, employment status, or level of education from your postings. Keep it up - I enjoy reading!

contessa said...

bbcamerican, I think I live in the same FL town as your WalMart. And I can confirm: it has been hot as hades lately, and about fifty times more humid than it has been in a while because it has actually started raining the way it's supposed to down here, praise Hanuman.

All this as a preface for: holy gods that woman was wearing a lot of clothes. Definitely, definitely meth. (and probably dead batteries in the remote).

Anonymous said...

Spoken English and Written English have distinctly different rules. A lot of things that would be "grammatical" in Written English are too formal to be proper in Spoken English.

There are also different levels of Written English - from the very informal (which is more like spoken English) to the extremely formal.

This blog is not an English class or any kind of a formal situation; therefore, informal, more speech-like English is proper.

Besides, it's a terrible violation of netiquette to slam someone for grammar and/or spelling. You'll be labeled a troll pretty quickly - especially when you slam someone anonymously.

In short, get over yourself and enjoy the blog for what it is.

krylonultraflat said...

Man every time you mention something that could even remotely be used to out you by WalMart corporate (i.e. that your store is in Florida) I cringe a little.

You're not scared of being found out, fired, and sued? All of our fun would stop!

fnc said...

Your patience with such an....interesting example of humanity is to be commended.

For all my gripes with the corporation, I have to say that I've always gotten friendly and helpful service at Wal-Mart.