Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Liquored up

Why do women of a certain age wait until Sunday at noon (when the rest of the planet is doing their shopping) to "run their errands? Then, when they do roll in, why do they expect the Wal-Mart and the harassed workers to be pathetically grateful for their custom?

Lady, I really don't care that you put on your best floral housedress, some orthopedic shoes, a carved wooden necklace that best girlfriend Sheba picked up when went on her budget cruise through the Caribbean and Mexico and some ugly painted wooden parrot earrings. Plus, you smell like dog. Wet dog.

And yes lady, I know your type. You're a serial returner. You buy because you love the thrill of spending money. You come in every day, you push one buggy all over the store for hours at a time.

You plan menus and buy food for dinner parties that don't exist, you buy outfits for events that you will never go to. And you spend Saturday nights at home balancing your checkbook because you buy and return merchandise like an addict tweaking on crystal.

So yes, when you come in with a whole buggy FULL of Wal-Mart bags and start laying them out on the counter, don't get stroppy with me when I start looking at your receipts and say "Ma'am, I'm sorry but I can't process the refund for your wine."

It is Wal-Mart policy that alcohol and tobacco can only be returned to the store of purchase. That's one of those that are actually posted at Customer Service. So when they say "Where does it say that?" - I just turn and point.

"But I'm sure I bought it here."

No ma'am. All Wal-Mart stores print the name of the store manager and the store's phone number at the top of their receipts. Our store manager's name is John Doe. And our phone number is xxx-xxxx. The store manager's name on this receipt is Jack Johnson. And the phone number is xxx-xxxx. You purchased this at the Wal-Mart near the toll road on the south side of town."

"But I never go there. I've never shopped there."

"Ma'am. That's where this receipt is from. Someone purchased two bottles of wine there in February. I can't return the wine here. I'm sorry."

"But I never go to any other Wal-Mart. I always shop here. I thought this was going to be so easy.

"Ma'am, it is going to be easy. I just can't return the wine. You've got four other receipts. There are receipts from two other stores here. Are you returning items for someone else?"

Silence. ".... maybe I'm at Wal-Mart too much." REALLY? YOU THINK SO?

For the record, this is what she returned, in addition to the two bottles of wine.

  • A blue bedazzled tunic.
  • A skirt to match the tunic
  • Shoes to match the skirt and top
  • A black T-shirt
  • A white T-shirt
  • the Fake Wal-Mart Crocs
  • A Shakira CD
  • Two cans of tuna fish
  • Two boxes of Ritz crackers
  • Maybelline base
  • Maybelline foundation
  • Maybelline blush
  • Maybellline eyebrow pencil
  • A leather organizer/day planner
  • Will Smith's Oscar-bait movie "The Pursuit of Happyness"
  • and a nearly-dead orchid


David said...

I guess the saying is right, all WalMarts DO look alike LOL

Great Blog. I just finished reading the whole thing. You have a new follower.

lullaby jones said...

A Shakira CD? really? The rest of it makes sense, but Shakira?

Were ya'll out of Captain and Tenille?

Dawne said...

Thank you! This was the best laugh I've had all week :)

Debo Blue said...

I was feeling real bad for the old girl until I realized I have that same outfit she was wearing.

You mean that's not cool?


Erin Bradley said...

This post was good but your list at the end KILLED ME. Please post more lists if you can. Tuna fish? A Shakira CD? A dead orchid? I love people.

Jack said...

That's so sad... I'm depressed now. My god. The stark, cold reality of her lonely existence. Somebody please hit me with a truck before I get old.

Meline said...

A dead orchid...

I've been reading your blog for about a month now. Thanks, you're making my nights as maintenance at walmart a lot brighter.

Anonymous said...

My Mom is one of those older women who shop as a hobby. She shops cause she get lonely and bored. But, my Mom wont even go into a WalMart.

Anonymous said...

When we get these people at my business we enter a code into their account and no more mail is sent to them and no orders from them will be processed and all money will be returned to them. We even send them across town to our competitor because we know they'll eventually bring him down.