Monday, May 07, 2007

Achoo! No, wait haiku!

So, as a side note to the fallout from the "Suits you sir" post, I owe Heidi a haiku.

That's right. Inspired by a flippant remark, my very unpoetic self has had to get an education in haiku writing. I've spent an hour on this, doing the syllable thing with my fingers and blowing off tonight's episode of "Heroes."

So, dedicated to High-Maintenance and Hostile Heidi, here it is:

A tired worker waits
Pen gripped in hand
“Do you want to return that?”

This being a democracy and all, (for the time being) let's see what you've got. Please limit your topics to Wal-Mart.

UPDATE: Someone pointed out in an email that my original haiku doesn't follow the strict 5-7-5 syllable per line scheme, so I'm reserving the right to re-edit the lines.

Tired worker stands
Ink pen held in waiting hand
How may I help you?


Anonymous said...

Hmm in 5-7-5 syllables? Ok, here goes:

the returns counter
serves different purpose; summer
vacation rentals.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anne said...

I want to return
used Tampax, TP, and briefs.
Hey, it could happen.

Anonymous said...

customers return
products without the receipts;
welcome to my world.

Amy said...

Yokels, Moneygrams,
Returns, idiots, complaints...
Please just kill me now.

Karyn said...

Love each blog you post.
Laugh out loud at snowbirds tales.
You could write a book!

Anonymous said...

Think about this one for a sec...

her back to the front doors
the greeter's blue smock asks
how may I help you?

S E E Quine said...

` I know someone who works at Wal-Mart. This is his take:

` WalMart is evil,
` But as long as I'm helping,
` I'll make you suffer.

Ontario said...

Never an issue
Returning my merchandise:
I bring the receipt!

kelmeister said...

I'm returning this
It's beef: dinner from last month
Yes, we ate it. So?

FARfetched said...

I've been known to knock off a few senryu in my time....

Crowded parking lots,
Sunday afternoon returns...
Rented it for free.

luckycanucky said...

it's impossible
to find a cart that drives straight
all wheels are wonky

Anonymous said...

Moneygram sender
when asked for the phone number:
"No habla anglais."

Anonymous said...

Warning to buyers:
Beware of falling prices,
shoddy merchandise.

Anonymous said...

what is up with your
haiku not really being
a haiku at all?

tom voelker said...

What makes it haiku?

Seventeen syllables, right?

So what? I mean, what?

David said...

In turquoise pantsuits
they circle and wait for me.
The snow-birds return.

(Pendantry alert! As FARfetched These are actually senryu, not haiku. Haiku are about nature - frogs jumping into ponds, etc. Senryu have the same structure but are about human nature, and, according to Wikipedia, are typically "cynical or darkly humorous.")

tom voelker said...

Thank you, David-San.

I should have known that myself.

Like the snowbird, not.

Icy-Cold Refreshment said...

Shoppers at Wal-Mart
Stretch pants, tank tops, and flip-flops
Human detritus

grundes said...

Twenty old women,
And some really fat ones,
Have a trip on Vorga.

Anonymous said...

The entitled pricks
stand in line; superior
with an old reciept.

Sorry, no return.
I want a manager now!
Give them what they want.

Grumble, grumble. Hey..
someone returned power tools.
"CLEAN UP - at front desk."

Anonymous said...

always read the blog

beware of WAL-MART it shouts

go shopping elsewhere

tom c said...

Your life seems like hell
Suffering the world's morons
Why you still work there?

Anonymous said...

I just need Q-Tips
Of course, the shelf is unstocked
Alas, screwed again.


I'm the tenth in line.
Hire more help, God damn it!
You've lost my business.


Really have to pee.
Oh look, feces on the seat.
Ah, Wal-Mart toilets.


Parking lot is full
Behold, my local Wal-Mart
Sunday shopping sucks


My paycheck won't cash?
It did last week, so what now?!
F*** you, Certegy!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so you've got a ton of these now...

Which ones are your favorites... and why?

Kevin said...

Stains on Shirt, No Teeth
Why's she scanning slowly?
Smell of urine BUrP!

Kevin said...

Trip to Wally World
Anger Frustration Painful
Get me out of here!

Anonymous said...

(original version removed by request)

Winter is over;
snow-birds leaving for the North
bring me their returns.

High-Maintenance & Hostile Heidi said...

Five syllables, 10 syllables. Who cares? I liked the first one.

For your new one, how about this for the last line:

Want to Re Turn That?

Anonymous said...

Fat, drunk, and stupid
Is no way to go through life
Unless at Wal Mart

Eric said...


receipt is crayon,
my mulleted friend, besides
we don't sell squirrels.


Debo Blue said...

If I had your job
I'd peel the skin from my thumbs
Prozac-loving girl

Dylan said...

which one is ur fave?

Amanda said...

"you NEED more cashiers!!"
i sigh and think to myself..
why don't you apply?

oh no, not again..
reduced fat peanut butter.
..why are you on WIC?

i forgot green beans,
surely you have SOMEbody..
i'm not walking back!

Ellis Creel said...

I suppose I'm being didactic here, but 5-7-5 doesn't actually apply to the English language. See, in Japanese, each "syllable" is something called an on, which happen to be a little more standardized in length (consider that "through" and "a" are both one syllable). The 5/7/5 on pattern lends to a mnemonic, occasionally haunting quality. So really, your first haiku was more "traditional" than the second.

Just, y'know, sayin.