So, as a side note to the fallout from the "Suits you sir" post, I owe Heidi a haiku.
That's right. Inspired by a flippant remark, my very unpoetic self has had to get an education in haiku writing. I've spent an hour on this, doing the syllable thing with my fingers and blowing off tonight's episode of "Heroes."
So, dedicated to High-Maintenance and Hostile Heidi, here it is:
A tired worker waits
Pen gripped in hand
“Do you want to return that?”
This being a democracy and all, (for the time being) let's see what you've got. Please limit your topics to Wal-Mart.
UPDATE: Someone pointed out in an email that my original haiku doesn't follow the strict 5-7-5 syllable per line scheme, so I'm reserving the right to re-edit the lines.
Tired worker stands
Ink pen held in waiting hand
How may I help you?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
35 comments:
Hmm in 5-7-5 syllables? Ok, here goes:
the returns counter
serves different purpose; summer
vacation rentals.
I want to return
used Tampax, TP, and briefs.
Hey, it could happen.
customers return
products without the receipts;
welcome to my world.
Yokels, Moneygrams,
Returns, idiots, complaints...
Please just kill me now.
Love each blog you post.
Laugh out loud at snowbirds tales.
You could write a book!
Think about this one for a sec...
her back to the front doors
the greeter's blue smock asks
how may I help you?
` I know someone who works at Wal-Mart. This is his take:
` WalMart is evil,
` But as long as I'm helping,
` I'll make you suffer.
Never an issue
Returning my merchandise:
I bring the receipt!
I'm returning this
It's beef: dinner from last month
Yes, we ate it. So?
I've been known to knock off a few senryu in my time....
Crowded parking lots,
Sunday afternoon returns...
Rented it for free.
it's impossible
to find a cart that drives straight
all wheels are wonky
Moneygram sender
when asked for the phone number:
"No habla anglais."
Warning to buyers:
Beware of falling prices,
shoddy merchandise.
what is up with your
haiku not really being
a haiku at all?
What makes it haiku?
Seventeen syllables, right?
So what? I mean, what?
In turquoise pantsuits
they circle and wait for me.
The snow-birds return.
(Pendantry alert! As FARfetched These are actually senryu, not haiku. Haiku are about nature - frogs jumping into ponds, etc. Senryu have the same structure but are about human nature, and, according to Wikipedia, are typically "cynical or darkly humorous.")
Thank you, David-San.
I should have known that myself.
Like the snowbird, not.
Shoppers at Wal-Mart
Stretch pants, tank tops, and flip-flops
Human detritus
Twenty old women,
And some really fat ones,
Have a trip on Vorga.
The entitled pricks
stand in line; superior
with an old reciept.
Sorry, no return.
I want a manager now!
Give them what they want.
Grumble, grumble. Hey..
someone returned power tools.
"CLEAN UP - at front desk."
always read the blog
beware of WAL-MART it shouts
go shopping elsewhere
Your life seems like hell
Suffering the world's morons
Why you still work there?
I just need Q-Tips
Of course, the shelf is unstocked
Alas, screwed again.
--
I'm the tenth in line.
Hire more help, God damn it!
You've lost my business.
--
Really have to pee.
Oh look, feces on the seat.
Ah, Wal-Mart toilets.
---
Parking lot is full
Behold, my local Wal-Mart
Sunday shopping sucks
---
My paycheck won't cash?
It did last week, so what now?!
F*** you, Certegy!
Okay, so you've got a ton of these now...
Which ones are your favorites... and why?
Stains on Shirt, No Teeth
Why's she scanning slowly?
Smell of urine BUrP!
Trip to Wally World
Anger Frustration Painful
Get me out of here!
(original version removed by request)
Winter is over;
snow-birds leaving for the North
bring me their returns.
Five syllables, 10 syllables. Who cares? I liked the first one.
For your new one, how about this for the last line:
Want to Re Turn That?
Fat, drunk, and stupid
Is no way to go through life
Unless at Wal Mart
---
receipt is crayon,
my mulleted friend, besides
we don't sell squirrels.
---
If I had your job
I'd peel the skin from my thumbs
Prozac-loving girl
which one is ur fave?
"you NEED more cashiers!!"
i sigh and think to myself..
why don't you apply?
oh no, not again..
reduced fat peanut butter.
..why are you on WIC?
i forgot green beans,
surely you have SOMEbody..
i'm not walking back!
I suppose I'm being didactic here, but 5-7-5 doesn't actually apply to the English language. See, in Japanese, each "syllable" is something called an on, which happen to be a little more standardized in length (consider that "through" and "a" are both one syllable). The 5/7/5 on pattern lends to a mnemonic, occasionally haunting quality. So really, your first haiku was more "traditional" than the second.
Just, y'know, sayin.
Post a Comment