Friday, November 02, 2007

Dirty Old Man: In the style of Hollywood

Here's the story: This old man came up to Customer Service. He had a pack of pinochle cards. He wanted regular playing cards. I told him the regular cards were out on Register 15 - about 20 feet away and within sight of Customer Service. His answer? "That's too far to walk." So I had to go get the cards and bring them back to Customer Service for this contrary old fart.

Now, here's the story as told by famous movie quotes. Every quote has the word “help” in it. I thought this was fitting, because my standard greeting is “Can I help you?”
Previously: Jane Austen | Old Testament | Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Previously: Stephen King | What's going on this week

Light. Camera. Action.

WORKER: "Pardon me...but I couldn't help noticing you noticing me..." About Last Night - 1986 CAN I HELP YOU?

MAN RETURNING CARDS: “Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancĂ©e, Janet Weiss. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?” Rocky Horror Picture Show, The - 1975 I NEED HELP

WORKER
: "The world is full of complainers. But the fact is, nothing comes with a guarantee. I don't care if you're the Pope of Rome, President of the United States or Man of the Year, something can all go wrong. But go ahead, complain, tell your problems to your neighbor, ask for help and watch him fly. Now in Russia, they got it all mapped out so that everyone pulls for everyone else. That's the theory anyway. But what I know about is Texas, and down here... you're on your own." Blood Simple - 1984 WHAT DO YOU WANT?

CARD MAN
: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.” Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope - 1977 I GOT SOME STUFF HERE!

WORKER
: "I'd love to help you man, but I ain't seen nothing since I stepped on that landmine in Vietkong back in '72. It was rough, very painful." Trading Places - 1983 DO YOU WANT TO RETURN IT?

CARD MAN
: "Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!" Monty Python and the Holy Grail - 1975 I GOT THE WRONG THING.

WORKER
: "They're going for the biggest stash in the city. Where? You're the detective. Detect. Give me some help. Look where the men in blue hang out." McQ - 1974 GO TO REGISTER 15 AND LOOK FOR IT!

CARD MAN
: "What more do you want of us??! We came all this way, no thanks to you. We did it on our own, no help from you! We didn't ask you to fight for us, but dammit, don't fight against us!! Leave us alone! How many more sacrifices?! How much more blood?! How many more lives?! Belle wasn't enough! Acres wasn't! And now this girl! Then take me!! [pause] You can make it, keep going!! Rogo!! Get them through!!!" The Poseidon Adventure - 1972 I DON'T WANT TO GO. I WALKED A LONG WAY. DO IT FOR ME!

WORKER
: "The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't, not without your help, but you're not helping." Blade Runner - 1982 YOU WALKED IN HERE. CAN’T YOU WALK 15 MORE FEET?

CARD MAN: "I can't help it. It's in my nature." The Crying Game - 1992 AIN'T GONNA DO IT

WORKER: "Come on, God knows we have a game, its not like any of this helps anyway." A League of Their Own - 1992 WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO

CARD MAN
: "Do you know what I tell an alcoholic who wants me to help them? First, stop drinking." Skin Deep - 1989 OLD PEOPLE DESERVE RESPECT

WORKER
: "It's even better when you help." To Have and Have Not - 1944 OLD PEOPLE SUCK HARDER

CARD MAN
: "Don't just stand there! Do something! Help. Police. Murder." Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - 1971 I WANT IT. GO GET IT. NOW. OR I’M GOING TO GET A MANAGER UP IN HERE.

WORKER
: "I can't keep you here any longer... God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you anymore. Couldn't you have your balls cut off? It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him. You could have them pulled off in an accident. No... no... children... I know you're trying to help but believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it's medical experiments for the lot of you." Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - 1983 I WALKED 26 STEPS TO REGISTER 15 AND PICKED UP A PACK OF PLAYING CARDS.

CARD MAN: "You know, not many girls today would give their panties to help a geek in contemporary society." Sixteen Candles - 1984 SEE, THAT WASN'T SO HARD NOW WAS IT?

WORKER: "We don't need your damn charity. Ponyboy, I wasn't trying to give you charity. I only wanted to help." The Outsiders - 1983 YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND DIE

CARD MAN
: "I know, I know, you're workin' for Little Bo Peep, she's lost her sheep and you're gonna help her find em'." Who Framed Roger Rabbit - 1988 IS THAT ALL? I BEEN HERE ALL DAY

WORKER
: "I did your job. Now help me do mine." Force 10 from Navarone - 19778 SIGN THE REFUND SLIP YOU OLD CUSS

CARD MAN: "Would you believe me if I told you this whole thing is an accident? I do believe you. That's what I want everybody to believe. Trouble is, it doesn't look like an accident and you're not here to tell me about it... I need you to help me here." Thelma & Louise - 1991 THAT’S RIGHT. GET IT. GET IT. GET IT. I WILL OFFER INSINCERE THANKS.

WORKER: "After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die... By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heavens knows anyone's life can stand a little of that." Charlotte's Web - 1973 UH HUH. YOU TREAT ME BAD OLD MAN AND IT DON'T MATTER TO YOU!

WORKER: "Help, I hate this job." After Hours - 1985 WAL-MART SUCKS.

Much credit goes to moviequotes.com. Your source for quotes on the go!

Previously: Jane Austen | Old Testament | Gabriel Garcia Marquez | Stephen King

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

yeeeeeah! A wonderful end to a fabulous week! Great job... there's some talent in there!

paintpaste said...

as a big movie buff i commend you....awesome stuff!

Anonymous said...

Can we get back to normal now?

Brad said...

I love your blog about Wal-Mart stories. I hate these "in the style of..." stories. They're boring. Quit it.

Anonymous said...

anon/brad....my sentiments exactly!

I haven't read any of the stories via this "new" format.

Call a spade a spade and stop wasting our time with foolishness!

Dave said...

Jeebus Christ people!
What the hell is wrong with you all?
Its his blog, he can do whatever he wants with it.
The least you can do, as a fan, is not act like one of the stupid Walmart customers he has to deal with on a daily basis. Not to mention the fact that telling him to "quit it" on this post is like standing on the horizon at dawn and demanding that the sun to come up. He said 5 posts. This was the fifth. As any intelligent person can then surmise, this is the last one.

Anonymous said...

Dave -

I assume that since there are surveys for each of these asking how we like it, that opinions are openly solicited.

My opinion: This is all in the style of crap!

Usually this is one of my favorite places to visit. This week... not even close.

FARfetched said...

I'm with Dave.

Having said that, I find it interesting that the two I liked best this week involved the demise of the cranky old geezer.

Anonymous said...

There is something to be said for beating a dead horse and all. I like your posts, but this got really old after the first one. Personally, I think it would have been alot more interesting if you had kept telling different stories through the various lens instead of the same one. again. and again. and again. and again.

The Sassy Editorialist said...

Anon--
He had to use the story as his 'control' and tell it in different styles to see how people truly like the style, not the story. If you change the style and the story, who's to say which you really like?

j-yo said...

Loved the use of movie quotes!