Monday, September 17, 2007

Something's rotten in the House of Wal

In my time of service to the House of Wal, I have been called on to do all sorts of demeaning things that I would otherwise turn my saucy and aristocratic Roman nose up at.

I have cleaned up baby puke, big people puke, baby crap, big people crap, picked up a dirty pair of jeans with human feces all over them, swept up dog food, gathered grocery carts in 98 degree heat, repeatedly handled raw meat and vegetables for hours at a time and listened to some of the most insane and horrible human beings Kali ever put on this planet. Anyway. That's not the point.

What I was called upon to do Sunday put all other things to shame. I have taken back some sketchy returns in my day. The empty cans of Diet Coke spring to mind!

This one tops that. By far and away. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman doing bad Irish accents "Far and Way."

OK. This older man comes up. He's a health-conscious hippie with his little black biker shorts and form-fitting white top. He's even got a fanny pack with a water bottle attachment. Was probably a Deadhead and a Phish Head and a fan of the Beatles for good measure. FROM THE FANNY PACK, he pulls what turns out to be two pairs of dress socks. One argyle, one gray.

Said dress socks have been around the block more times than the mailman, the school bus, the garbage truck and your cousin Vanessa put together. There are even pills on them. Enough pills to fill a prescription.

And the odor. Lord. The odor. Limburger cheese. Unwashed feet. Halitosis. Baby poo. Britney at the VMAs. Compassionate conservatism. Rank I say. I. HAVE. NO. MORE. WORDS.

"I wanna return these. They just didn't work out for me." AND HE PULLS OUT A RECEIPT.

Do not sigh. Do not roll eyes. Do not sigh. DO NOT ROLL EYES. DO NOT SIGH. It's like a mantra. I'm trying to find my happy place. Lord, it was soooo hard too.

Look at the socks. Look at him. Look at the socks. Look at him. Look at the receipt. Look at him. Look at the socks. Look at the receipt again. Do internal math. "Is this worth a knock-down drag-out fight for $2.97 apiece for? No. OK. Give the stupid man a refund before I keel over from the fumes."

And the worst part was I had to touch the filthy things to put a defective tag on both pairs. I thought about making a scene and getting out the biohazard kit, some glove and maybe a pair of tongs, but decided it wasn't worth it.

BUTTONS. MASH. DEFECTIVE. DEFECTIVE. $6.30. Yes, a grand total of $6.30 for two ancient pairs of socks. You too can get rich by scamming the Wal-Mart two pairs of socks at a time. SIGN HERE. HAVE A NICE DAY PLEASE LEAVE NOW.

*wipes counter down with disenfectant* *hunts for antibacterial hand stuff*


Anonymous said...

Roman nose with obvious taste.....bella bella.
Sounds what like comes out out of my squad car in the Belmont District (aka Hollywood District) in Chicago on a MIDS (6PM-6AM) watch. I feel for CS types, at least I have "impact weapons" to deal with the mopps now. I worked CS/Retail many years ago, I really feel bad for the nextgen in retail. Ready to assist with handcuffs in ChiLand.


Anonymous said...

Note to self: keep ample supply of hand sanitizer...mopps are rather nasty, whether behind the Wally-world counter or my counter. The effluents from the great unwashed are let's just say....when am I up for early retirement. Eeeewwwwww!!! Just came across your blog. Great blog....keep it coming BYC!!!! Best Wishes!!!

Anonymous said...

Wait. That was worse than cleaning up puke or crap?

FARfetched said...

I'd have gone for the tongs.

Anonymous said...

I've said this before, but given the greed that WalMart exhibits, why do they accept returns like this? I mean, whats the worst thing these scammers could do? Not shop there? Walmart can't be making much money on these asswipes anyway.

Anonymous said...

"I've said this before, but given the greed that WalMart exhibits, why do they accept returns like this? "

Liberal return policies arent for
the scammers/morrons/etc. They're
for the soccer-mom/average joe.
It lets them feel comfortable about
purchasing a widget or a different
brand of widget. Wal-Mart in all
their evil glory decided they make
more money with a better return
policy via increased sales.....

High-Maintenance & Hostile Heidi said...

If I worked at Wally World and had to do what you do, I would have these three things behind the counter or on me at all times:

1. A Pair of Latex Gloves so I don't have to touch people's disgusting sock returns or wet swimsuits!
2. A Mini Bottle of Purell
3. A Mask (like the doctors wear) to keep from inhaling all the puke germs.