This is an open letter to the perfectly deceitful middle-aged woman who had the gall to return 18 wilted roses on Saturday night.
You are absolutely without shame. Although you did not yell or scream or otherwise debase yourself in an audiovisual manner, you deserve the "Sucky Customer of the Year" award for having the temerity to return eighteen flowers - that someone else bought for you - for a lousy $13.84. ALL THIS THREE DAYS AFTER THE FLOWERS WERE PURCHASED.
Yes ma'am. I know that you "got your reciept" and that you were not satisfied with the merchandise that your husband purchased for your birthday. Yes, we do have a giant sign with four-inch letters that says something to the effect of "It is our policy to satisfy our customers by refund, exchange or repair."
You, ma'am, however, do not deserve satisfaction. You deserve nothing more than a piano dropped onto your head from a four-story building in the faint hope it can hammer home a clue. PS: I can see from the snarling set of your lips that you are obviously not getting any 'satisfaction' at home either.
You, ma'am, although I begrudge giving you one iota of respect, even a courtesy title, you made sure your husband saved a receipt with a birthday card, a bottle of wine and two bunches of flowers on it. Everyone involved in this little tete-a-tete knows that you planned to return those flowers all along.
Just speaking to you calmly is an effort for me. It is to your eternal fortune that I was highly medicated and thus was able to resist the urge to take up the sad roses whose honor you had tarnished with your tawdry "love them and leave them" affair and beat you about the head. Yes bitch, every rose does have its thorns. Can you feel it now? Or is that what your husband says?
No one. I repeat NO ONE should ever think it is acceptable to return cut flowers. You are the fat kid's urine in the shallow end of the gene pool. I can tell from the receipt that these were reduced and were certainly clearly marked as such on the bouquets. The REDUCED price tags are bright yellow and say REDUCED in all caps. They have to be specially printed and stuck on over the regular barcode.
Your husband - who loves you so much he did your birthday shopping at a low-rent discount store like Wal-Mart - purchased $13.84 worth of reduced price roses. He didn't even care enough to pick out fresh cheap flowers. He picked out old cheap flowers. That lovely wilted rose scent really goes with your cheap perfume too. What is that? Eau de la Trampe le Skanke? And your cheap jewelry. Did he buy that for you too? Better take it in and have it checked.
But you two obviously deserve each other. He got you cheap flowers. You're obviously stupid and selfish. The whine in your voice when you said "Well I just think they ought to last longer" was almost enough to make me feel sorry for him.
You are talking about cut-rate reduced-price flowers from Wal-Mart. The same bouquet is going to run you at least $80 on Teleflora or $50 on 1800flowers.com. Your local florist would have be at least in the $30 - but you would have gotten a vase, greenery and two weeks of life. But your loving husband shops at Wal-Mart on his way home from work. I bet your sex life is just as hurried and unimaginative - the same three-minute loop repeated once a week on Saturdays with a special extended five-minute version on birthdays & anniversaries.
Here's a few hints. First, the man shops at Wal-Mart. He is obviously not a keeper. Next, he purchased 18 roses for $13. Obviously, these are not high-quality botanicals. Three, you are just a disgusting specimen of humanity who is serving no useful purpose other than to consume resources and perpetuate stupidity. Obviously Darwinism is not functioning as a population control mechanism. I hope you didn't have children. I can only imagine the functionally stupid adults they grew into.
I'm only shocked you didn't try to return the card he bought you - or the wine - both of which I could see on the same receipt. I didn't like this wine. It gave me a hangover. Can I return it?
PS: Toxicodendron radicans, with three almond-shaped leaves and little white berries makes a beautiful houseplant. You can dig them up on almost any roadside and transplant it all over your yard and house. I think it is just the perfect plant for you.