Monday, August 13, 2007

Flowering Inferno

This is an open letter to the perfectly deceitful middle-aged woman who had the gall to return 18 wilted roses on Saturday night.

You are absolutely without shame. Although you did not yell or scream or otherwise debase yourself in an audiovisual manner, you deserve the "Sucky Customer of the Year" award for having the temerity to return eighteen flowers - that someone else bought for you - for a lousy $13.84. ALL THIS THREE DAYS AFTER THE FLOWERS WERE PURCHASED.

Yes ma'am. I know that you "got your reciept" and that you were not satisfied with the merchandise that your husband purchased for your birthday. Yes, we do have a giant sign with four-inch letters that says something to the effect of "It is our policy to satisfy our customers by refund, exchange or repair."

You, ma'am, however, do not deserve satisfaction. You deserve nothing more than a piano dropped onto your head from a four-story building in the faint hope it can hammer home a clue. PS: I can see from the snarling set of your lips that you are obviously not getting any 'satisfaction' at home either.

You, ma'am, although I begrudge giving you one iota of respect, even a courtesy title, you made sure your husband saved a receipt with a birthday card, a bottle of wine and two bunches of flowers on it. Everyone involved in this little tete-a-tete knows that you planned to return those flowers all along.

Just speaking to you calmly is an effort for me. It is to your eternal fortune that I was highly medicated and thus was able to resist the urge to take up the sad roses whose honor you had tarnished with your tawdry "love them and leave them" affair and beat you about the head. Yes bitch, every rose does have its thorns. Can you feel it now? Or is that what your husband says?

No one. I repeat NO ONE should ever think it is acceptable to return cut flowers. You are the fat kid's urine in the shallow end of the gene pool. I can tell from the receipt that these were reduced and were certainly clearly marked as such on the bouquets. The REDUCED price tags are bright yellow and say REDUCED in all caps. They have to be specially printed and stuck on over the regular barcode.

Your husband - who loves you so much he did your birthday shopping at a low-rent discount store like Wal-Mart - purchased $13.84 worth of reduced price roses. He didn't even care enough to pick out fresh cheap flowers. He picked out old cheap flowers. That lovely wilted rose scent really goes with your cheap perfume too. What is that? Eau de la Trampe le Skanke? And your cheap jewelry. Did he buy that for you too? Better take it in and have it checked.

But you two obviously deserve each other. He got you cheap flowers. You're obviously stupid and selfish. The whine in your voice when you said "Well I just think they ought to last longer" was almost enough to make me feel sorry for him.

You are talking about cut-rate reduced-price flowers from Wal-Mart. The same bouquet is going to run you at least $80 on Teleflora or $50 on 1800flowers.com. Your local florist would have be at least in the $30 - but you would have gotten a vase, greenery and two weeks of life. But your loving husband shops at Wal-Mart on his way home from work. I bet your sex life is just as hurried and unimaginative - the same three-minute loop repeated once a week on Saturdays with a special extended five-minute version on birthdays & anniversaries.

Here's a few hints. First, the man shops at Wal-Mart. He is obviously not a keeper. Next, he purchased 18 roses for $13. Obviously, these are not high-quality botanicals. Three, you are just a disgusting specimen of humanity who is serving no useful purpose other than to consume resources and perpetuate stupidity. Obviously Darwinism is not functioning as a population control mechanism. I hope you didn't have children. I can only imagine the functionally stupid adults they grew into.

I'm only shocked you didn't try to return the card he bought you - or the wine - both of which I could see on the same receipt. I didn't like this wine. It gave me a hangover. Can I return it?

PS: Toxicodendron radicans, with three almond-shaped leaves and little white berries makes a beautiful houseplant. You can dig them up on almost any roadside and transplant it all over your yard and house. I think it is just the perfect plant for you.

20 comments:

High-Maintenance & Hostile Heidi said...

OK, returning flowers someone bought you for your birthday is just plain wrong. There's been many times I've wanted to return EXPENSIVE bouquets and plants because they died the VERY next day but I never have (ahem...I didn't buy them!) so for someone to return cheap OLE Wal-Mart flowers leaves me speechless...

Don't worry; she'll probably return the wine. She's still got over 60 days left. ;)

Brio said...

Totally unrelated to the blog subject, but I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your writing.

I'm working in a middle-range department store in customer service. The amount of idiocy I see on a daily basis is absolutely crazy. The only thing that really kept me going was thinking that the CS people in Wal-Mart must have it so much worse.

We also have a "return anything you want" policy, although we do NOT have the 90 day policy. If it was sold in our store at any point in time, you can return it. Hell, even if it's NOT from our store, we'll return it (had this happen a few times, despite my protests with my managers).

I have absolutely loved every one of your posts. It's making me consider telling my own horrors of retail anonymously. Please, keep up the great work.

Debo Blue said...

So, you've finally had enough of dealing w/John and Joan Q. Public that you're self-medicating yourself, huh?

Ha! Ha! Told you so!

GrecoRoman said...

Wal-Mart sells alcohol? Since when? I live in Maryland (the part next to Delaware), and the Wal-Marts for 45 minutes in any direction are dry as a bone. Damn, alcohol in Wal-Mart. Might as well set aside a room for th eAA meetings right there...

I forgot my name badge said...

We're thinking about setting up a liquor cabinet back in the breakroom just so we can cope with the idiocy we see in our store. There has to be a sign at the door that says "please deposit brain and common sense here" because customers sure don't use it when they're inside shopping.

luckycanucky said...

Obviously this is a city woman who has no idea about flowers in general. Yeah lady, they'll wilt, especially when they've been off the mother plant for several days prior to purchase. All cut flowers fade, but your stupidity will likely last forever.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure unless these roses came with instructions that this knob didn't know that she had to put them in water.

Anonymous said...

She was probably returning them to get what she really wanted for her birthday - a carton of smokes.

You can take the trash out of the trailer but you can't take the trailer out of the trash.

Anonymous said...

I used to write rants to, but I'm sure you've had far more experience than me, so I can't even compare our styles, and don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading about the stuff that goes down in customer service, because, yes, customers are pretty damn stupid sometimes, but this one post left me wondering...it came off pretty mean, as though you had had a HORRIBLE day and just took it out on the post, you're usually witty when it comes to ranting and it makes people laugh, but sometimes you have to take a step back and say "wow, did I really write this"? Might sound as censorship, but sometimes the wit aim might be a tad off.

DolfanDad said...

yeah bbc just like anon said, "you're soooo mean!" I can hear it in the same whine as the lady who returned her flowers! Keep up the good work!

No one should return a gift like that!

Ed said...

Toxicodendron radicans turns color nicely in the fall, so that's a bonus, too.

srilyk said...

You know, I used to work in the frame shop of an un-named hobby store...

It was a rather interesting experience and I learned how to hate people oh so well.

I don't think we had too much problems with returns... it was the items leaving the store that we had a problem with. Of course, when there are no security cameras *anywhere* in the store, finally a fake one in the bead aisle, and one empty dome (how'd I know it was empty? Easy, you could see through it and the tile was pushed up.)

Like a couple of $80 compressors that walked out of the store...

Anonymous said...

Darwinism states that those who reproduce more and have more children survive will...well...survive. Until it's legal to put idiots to sleep, you're going to live in a world of idiots.

grundes said...

>you're going to live in a world of idiots.

Thankfully, Mr. Heisenberg (and his Principle) is on our side on this one.

Anonymous said...

i agree with the earlier poster that said you sound like you had a VERY BAD day and are taking it out in the post...don't try so hard to be funny and the post will still be very witty....
Hope the rest of your week goes better

Anonymous said...

'You are the fat kid's urine in the shallow end of the gene pool'

I can't remember the last time I laughed that fucking hard at a blog post.

Anonymous said...

Wow. New favorite blog.

FARfetched said...

Yeesh. Returning cut flowers? What a sweetie. BBC, you might have laid it on a little thick today… but you know, she probably deserved it. At least her husband did *something* for her birthday, so I wouldn't give him too much grief.

I always get live plants for Mrs. Fetched. Indoor, outdoor, doesn't matter. She'll plant the outdoor plants outside and they generally do OK — so they last a looooong time.

GrecoRoman, alky sales must be by county law or local policy. The Wal-Marts here on Planet Georgia sell beer and wine, and I'm not talking about metro Atlanta.

j-yo said...

At least her husband got her a card, wine and flowers. He could have just gotten her a carton of smokes and a case of condoms (the latter of which she would have returned after they had been used.)

Matt said...

To all the whiney "anons" who say this post was too mean-spirited and over the top... well... shut the hell up!
I didn't find it to be too strong at all, in fact, I usually find them to be a little too tame considering the incredible levels of stupidity we're dealing with here.

I'm all for forgiving and forgetting, living and letting live... BUT ONLY AFTER WE TAKE A VICIOUS JOY IN TEARING APART THE ACTIONS OF THE INEPT.

This is the blogger's blog, not yours. I expect that it initially began as a creative and constructive release to get rid of all the negativity that builds up after a day of serving complete morons. If the writer was having a bad day, then they have EVERY RIGHT to use their blog as the release they need. Please... leave your pathetic calls for censorship at the door.