Monday, April 16, 2007

Making me smile

This is a "meta" post, so if you really want to read about evil customers, leave and come back later.

I've had a really rough few months - working too much, being sick and of course slaving away behind the counter. One thing I always look forward to are reading the comments people leave on my posts.

There are a number of people who comment - or did comment - frequently, including this person, who was really the first loyal reader to consistently leave comments - as well as a particularly saucy voice from the wilds of frozen Canada. The nature of the Internet is that as certain voices move on, newer, different voices replace them.

One certain person used to leave tart one-liners that often sum up EXACTLY how I feel before, during and after a day of going "How can I help you?" and thinking inside "You want to return this piece of crap that you destroyed or shoplifted without a receipt?" I think of these comments as tiny happiness bombs. And I smiled.

So without further ado, I present a compendium of YellowDog Granny's greatest one-liners. And yes, Debo Blue, you have some good ones too!

  • If I had your job, I would have 3 scripts for Paxil - with 3 refills on each one.

  • If I had your job, I would intentionally eat the bad peanut butter.

  • If I had your job, I would have ripped off his balls and played 18 holes with them.

  • If I had your job, I would be tweaking by 10 a.m.

  • If I had your job, I would be popping Prozac by the fist full.

  • If I had your job, I would be mainlining right at the counter.

  • If I had your job, I would be swilling Jack Daniels like Dr. Pepper.

  • If I had your job, I would live in the pharmacy.

  • If I had your job, I would own lots and lost of stock in Lexapro.

  • If I had your job, I would be in rehab.

  • If I had your job, my teeth would be ground to dust.

  • If I had your job, I would have a shunt in my jugular vein and shoot smack directly into my neck.

  • If I had your job, I would be doing lines off the countertop.


Marshy said...

if i had your job i would quit after five minutes. i tried tech support for my uncle. i had to restrain myself from strangling him.

Gretchen said...

Hubby worked at HellMart for about a year. Pure torture. The management didn't care. They don't reward good employees, just pile more on them until they go insane and leave.

Don't know how you've survived this long!

Ol' Lady said...

Saucy??? Thank You!!! I now know that I am loved :o
You are the sweetest Wally World person I know...and believe me I know a store full of them.
I think you deserve a medal of some kind for your 'timed served'
BTW I've been 1/2 crazed lately but I think I'm back...
Hugs to you :)

FARfetched said...

It *has* been a while, hasn't it? I think I started reading your blog about a year after you started writing. I got to wondering whatever happened to Barrio Boy, since you hadn't mentioned him lately… did he move on from his Starbucks job or did you just stop going there?

High-Maintenance & Hostile Heidi said...

Yellow Dog Grannie totally kicks ass. I actually found her blog by reading your blog, which also totally kicks ass.

When I read Grannie's golf ball remark, I just knew I had to check her out.

bbcamerican said...

Barrio Boy was allegedly trying to light a roach while driving and drove under a semi. He survived, even came back to work at the SBUX, but quit a short time later to join the Army. I haven't seen him in at least a year.

FARfetched said...

OMG, almost a Darwin candidate! Oh well, he has a second chance since he'll probably be going to Iraq.

Debo Blue said...

Ha! Ha! None are as funny as the descriptions you give your readers of these bottom-feeders you have to help everyday!

That's why I keep coming back.

And also to read the 'fights' in your comments section.